Break time

I think I am going to take a break from here. I have to get back on top of things and get myself sorted so blogging is off the list. As helpful as I find it to off load on here as I know not many people read but offloading can also cause me re-reading it.

Anywho, bye bye for now although I am sure I will be back soon.

Exercise is good!

This is something I have known for years - I used to play sports for years so I knew this. 

However, given my mood recently, I thought it was about time I got off my back side and actually do something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone on a 10 K run or gone on a huge massive bike ride, instead I have turned to weights. Great way to get rid of anger and burn so negative energy away at the same time.

Aching like a b***h already but feeling surprisingly good about it. I like repetitive tasks for a start so this is perfect for me. Same with Poi - although the weather has prevented me from being able to do Poi - the flat is not big enough to play with them. 

I want to do more active team sports but sadly, thanks to the ol' body popping thing that I have going on means I will have to put this on hold for a while but it is something to look forward to, another goal to achieve. How long it will take me to achieve this I do not know - but the hope of being able to participate in the sports I love most are enough to keep me going. Then next step driving license; one step at a time though.

As you can probably tell I am having an Okay day today. Which is very good. I just need to remember these days for when I feel rubbish and cannot see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better, it is just hard to remember that when things pile on top of you. Positive thoughts and all that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying and playing with weights.

Cheerio :)

Achievements

Achievements today:

                                     Getting up and getting ready for work.

Seeing the Mrs insanely ill and remembering a shit load of appointments I have today.

My boss letting me have two days annual leave to a) look after the Mrs; b) get all appointments sorted.

Actually opened my text book for my OU course, which is an improvement as I haven't been in the right place.

Having a Dr Who day whilst trying to do all of the above is nice.

Preparing to see appointments with a list of questions I have which is a first, but I want answers dammit!

Planing on making dinner, which means actually eating; which means my appetite is coming back; which means things are (or appear to be) improving.

Realising things are not always as bad as they seem when you have amazing people around you who support you no matter what

It may not seem like a lot to most people for me, but given how things have been the last few weeks I feel this is a step forward. I know there will be something that knocks me back again, but I have to remember those moments when things do go forward; and hold on them.

Inside Out

"Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,

yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,

yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,

yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,

yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,

yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,

yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,

yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,

yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,

yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,

What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine. "

I think that sums it up really.

Credit for this poem goes to © Angie Flores

Not every one chooses to wear their masks - some of us have no choice

This is very true. Some people can put on a metaphorical mask to cover the barrage of shit that is affecting their lives on a daily basis. They then take this mask off when they are in a solitary place a weep so the world can't see. These people are the strongest of people. The ones who will take your crap, be your shoulder to cry on and the one you always turn to. But who do they turn to when that mask comes off? Can they turn to anyone as they are perceived as 'the strong ones'.

It may come as a shock to some that this actually happens. And the sooner people realise this the better. Calling someone grumpy when you know they are having a bad time is just poking a huge bear with a stick - you are going to get your face ripped off and told to go fuck your self with a cactus!

Those who are able to toss their masks in their bags and live freely without the constant feeling of gloom, the constant shadow that follows you around, the type that the mask protects you from. I salute you, and envy you as well. But to those who don't need a mask, please look out for those who do, they are the ones you will turn to in a time of crisis, and gives you all the advice you need and then you drop them, yet when they turn to you for support you have not the slightest clue; ask them if they are okay every now and then; and if they are having a bad day, do not call them grumpy, miserable, or any other related term.

Rawr!

Dinosaur,

Duck,

Dog, 

Garfield,

Cat, 

Lasagne, 

Tattoo, 

Tea, 

Coffee, 

Sugar,

Remote, 

Batteries, 

Mug, 

Cup, 

Bottle,

Glass, 

Book, 

Tape, 

Inhaler, 

Highlighter, 

Pen, 

Laptop, 

Key board, 

Mouse, 

PC, 

TV, 

Screen, 

Lamp, 

Toilet rool, 

Bread box, 

Sofa, 

Chair, 

Photo, 

Money box, 

Bow, 

Arrow, 

Stable, 

Table, 

Scissors,

Trousers,

Tablets, 

Tablet box,

Medication,

Work, 

Hell,

Section,

136

135

2

3

4

5(2)

5(4)

T3

T2

666, 

Devil, 

Damian, 

Night nurse,

Paracetamol,

Dr who, 

T.A.R.D.I.S

Spacer,

Nebuliser,

Stabiliser,

Bike,

Unicycle,

Bath,

Sink, 

Cluedo

My mind is not staying in one place. It has been one of those days. At least the random thoughts and words are distracting me to a fantastical level!

It is the simple things...

Nowadays it is most certainly the simple things that put a smile on my face. This is a good thing as I am still finding it pretty hard to deal with the whirlwind in my head. Anyway, back to the simple things... This was posted on a friends facebook page and it made a little smile appear (and a song stuck in my head):

Add "jump" in front of each number and you have got it!

Thank you for this :)

The sun is shining... But the builders are still at it!

Sadly the guy next door moved out after a lot going on for him. This has resulted in builders moving in. They are the only builders I know that start bang on half 8 of a morning, and go on til half 5. They don't even take a break as it is a constant bang after bang after drill and bang. Not helpful when you have a banging head ache.

Back in go the ear phones!

Today is a Latter day...

Okay, so I went with the Mrs the other week to see the West End show, The Book of Mormon. I have had songs from it stuck in my head all day. I would suggest looking some of them up on Youtube but you need to watch the show to gain some context on the songs, otherwise they could be misunderstood, drastically misunderstood!

Anyway. Today has been a strange one. My mind cannot make up whether my mood is up or down, left of right etc ( you get the picture). My GP is awesome. She rings most days to make sure I am okay. Never before have I had such amazing medical input. She is just a genuinely nice person; her sole interest is in her patients, not the money. My consultant is the same as well. I received a lovely review letter from him, he came across as so lovely, gentle and polite. Also very informal. I just have awesome medics at the moment, truly blessed in that way; after so many years of crappy doctors who are clearly in it for the money, and working with many of the same disposition, it makes a change to see genuine caring doctors out there. I especially appreciate them more than ever as I went into status epilepticus last sunday - scary times. First time in 4 years that has happened, and I hope it is the last.

Slight side step there. I just realized how much I appreciate my medical team at the moment. And my wife. She has been my rock these last few crappy weeks (well last 5 years but that goes without saying!) If it weren't for her then I would probably be dead, if not through seizures then of my own doing due to my fits. Vicious cycle. Although through process of elimination my GP, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that it is my medication that is causing me to spiral in and out of depressive episodes. The sooner that I can come off of them the better. This is a constant back and fourth 'discussion' often had between me and the medics.

Back to the medics again. Sorry. My mind has been wondering a lot recently. I am finding it hard to concentrate of more then one thing at a time. Typing is like trying to type with 3D glasses or beer goggles on. Thinking is like a small child trying to put a triangle block in a circle shaped hole... amusing yet hard. Seeing is also equally difficult. Thanks to the seizures my eye sight has significantly decreased. I had my eyes tested and the out come wasn't great - and nor was my bank balance afterwards. £180 on one pair of okay glasses. Shocking. However a week and a half later I am still awaiting for them to be made so I can start and see clearly ( now the rain has gone - sorry I did say I get distracted easily). 

My coordination has also gone to pot. I have tried things to improve this. I tried yoga and fell on my face. I tried Poi, and that was going well until I kept whacking myself with them as my sense of balance and coordination just went out the door. Any suggestions would be mostly welcomed at this time. I am due to return to work on Wednesday so I need to get this thing down by then.

Anyway, I am going as my head is going off in a completely random direction and trying to type whilst watching the Simpsons is equally distracting.

Peace Out

(P.S any suggestions on how to improve things would genuinely be appreciated - seriously!)

Life is like a web - Takes hard work to build but takes one swat to destroy it.

Depressing title I know. This is where things are at for me at the moment.

My epilepsy is getting the better of me again, and it is really taking its toll on me mentally. I am just so lucky to have amazing friends and wife to get me through this really crap time. I know there are people out there all over the world that are in a far worse position than I; however I find it hard to see past the mental block and blip that I am going through at the moment. I appreciate how selfish this is, and it just adds guilt to the whirlwind of my head. Arrrrgh!

I have tried many things. Most of the things recently have included practicing what I preach, and that shows how desperate I am as my ode is "Do as I say, not as I do!". I tried repetative things, which strangely works. I also have tried things to regain my sense of coordination; not going to lie it has gone to pot recently. I tried Poi for this (if you have not tried it, do! It is amazing fun). This was going well until I smacked myself with them a few times. Warning - it does hurt, but you do get used to it eventually! This was advice I took from a great friend and I am glad that she re-introduced them to me.

Any way, I am rambling, and could keep going but I am tired and need to off load stuff onto a pillow. Literally.

Night