"As it seems"

I am having a bad day. A really bad day. When I say bad day, I mean that in a 'mentally I am in a really bad place and need a hug' kind of day. I have screamed, I have shouted, I have laughed hysterically, I have cried, no strike that, sobbed. All over nothing.

Oh wait, yeah know I know what it is, it's that little thing called depression hitting back again. I have felt it kicking in over the last few weeks, as with everything else going on, but today it has really hit me that my depression is back. I don't think it ever went away to be honest, I just got better at hiding it.

I have tried listening to happy music, sad music, watching happy TV/Films, cooking, cleaning all to distract. I want to bath/shower to chill out as I find this really helpful but sadly because of my epilepsy I can't do either alone any more. There is no getting away.

The only thing keeping me sane right now:

Lily Kershaw - As it seems

"As It Seems"

Well I knew
What I didn’t want to know
And I saw
Where I didn’t want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I’m gone...
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems 

 

 

I find songs powerful. This is one of those songs. It gives me a lifeline. It feels like the only thing I have at the moment. My Wife is asleep as she was up all night, my sister-in-law resides in the spare bedroom and has her own shit going on. My parents are going away and care very little about the fact that I am physically ill - they have never been ones to care about mental health either, my brother is working, has aspergers and doesn't understand all this. I can't turn to my friends as they all have stuff going on. I can't turn to the professionals - again. They don't want me on their caselaod due to conflict of interest. I feel so alone. Empty. 

 

 

Update on the cray cray

OK, so I get that it has been a while..... A very long time in fact, since I was last here. I have my reasons for this.

Epilepsy: 

Things were getting back on track. I was starting to come off certain medication, I was back at work, albeit seconded to a shitty department that had next to nothing to do with nursing but hey, what ever! But then I went to MineCon2015 in London. And I went in to status epilepticus. This basically meant that I had non stop seizures for over 24 hours that they (the medical professionals) where unable to stop with medical intervention. 

I ended up in Critical Care for a while, then transferred hospitals to continue my treatment until I was out of the woods. Things continued to get better from there. So much better in fact that I was able to start a new job. A few months in however and BAM seizure at work. There were issues around having a member of staff working where I do with epilepsy for security reasons (can't go into that sadly), so this happening just played in to their hands. Turns out my seizures came back with vengeance due to a chest and kidney infection, which I am still fighting off. So long and short of it, I am off work, having seizures daily due to being a giant, walking infection. Still following me...? OK.

Everything else: 

So whilst all this crap was going on with my health and the shit I was getting from my old employer, I managed to somehow (still to this day not sure how I got it!) get a new job. A much better job. It paid more, more responsibility, more potential yadda yadda yadda. Then was hit with the things above, but hey, still at that point so wont dwell too much on it.

My mental health has improved somewhat as well. I still have dark days, don't get me wrong. But less days that involve actively tying a noose, and more days just thinking about it. I saw a counsellor for a couple of months, that was erm, whats the word I am looking for....joyous [insert sarcasm here]. Each week I had a different diagnosis. I think in two different sessions she diagnosed me as having autism, then schizophrenia, I recall OCD mentioned as well. This, from a woman whose purpose was to literally listen to what I had to say. Nothing else. She wasn't qualified to diagnose, but she sure as hell enjoyed doing it any way. I always came out laughing though at the bull crap she spurted at me. I guess it is hard to treat someone who knows all the tricks of the trade. After all, Mental health is my bread and butter....or at least it was. Hmm.

I have become a member of an awesome online community as well since I last blogged, which is the main reason of neglect. I have become hooked on Twitch.

 Yes I stream now. I can fully say I have gone to the dark side and have become a fully fledged nerd. I play Minecraft and CS:GO pretty much all the time now. If I am not playing it then I am watching it. There are some awesome casters out there, some of whom have become really good friends on mine. Some I have already met, some I hope to meet in the future. Who knows.

Ah, it is really late and I just wanted to ramble for a bit as no one else is really around. I hope the few that do read are well.

Oh, yeah, Happy Halloween as well!