"As it seems"

I am having a bad day. A really bad day. When I say bad day, I mean that in a 'mentally I am in a really bad place and need a hug' kind of day. I have screamed, I have shouted, I have laughed hysterically, I have cried, no strike that, sobbed. All over nothing.

Oh wait, yeah know I know what it is, it's that little thing called depression hitting back again. I have felt it kicking in over the last few weeks, as with everything else going on, but today it has really hit me that my depression is back. I don't think it ever went away to be honest, I just got better at hiding it.

I have tried listening to happy music, sad music, watching happy TV/Films, cooking, cleaning all to distract. I want to bath/shower to chill out as I find this really helpful but sadly because of my epilepsy I can't do either alone any more. There is no getting away.

The only thing keeping me sane right now:

Lily Kershaw - As it seems

"As It Seems"

Well I knew
What I didn’t want to know
And I saw
Where I didn’t want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I’m gone...
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems 

 

 

I find songs powerful. This is one of those songs. It gives me a lifeline. It feels like the only thing I have at the moment. My Wife is asleep as she was up all night, my sister-in-law resides in the spare bedroom and has her own shit going on. My parents are going away and care very little about the fact that I am physically ill - they have never been ones to care about mental health either, my brother is working, has aspergers and doesn't understand all this. I can't turn to my friends as they all have stuff going on. I can't turn to the professionals - again. They don't want me on their caselaod due to conflict of interest. I feel so alone. Empty. 

 

 

Update on the cray cray

OK, so I get that it has been a while..... A very long time in fact, since I was last here. I have my reasons for this.

Epilepsy: 

Things were getting back on track. I was starting to come off certain medication, I was back at work, albeit seconded to a shitty department that had next to nothing to do with nursing but hey, what ever! But then I went to MineCon2015 in London. And I went in to status epilepticus. This basically meant that I had non stop seizures for over 24 hours that they (the medical professionals) where unable to stop with medical intervention. 

I ended up in Critical Care for a while, then transferred hospitals to continue my treatment until I was out of the woods. Things continued to get better from there. So much better in fact that I was able to start a new job. A few months in however and BAM seizure at work. There were issues around having a member of staff working where I do with epilepsy for security reasons (can't go into that sadly), so this happening just played in to their hands. Turns out my seizures came back with vengeance due to a chest and kidney infection, which I am still fighting off. So long and short of it, I am off work, having seizures daily due to being a giant, walking infection. Still following me...? OK.

Everything else: 

So whilst all this crap was going on with my health and the shit I was getting from my old employer, I managed to somehow (still to this day not sure how I got it!) get a new job. A much better job. It paid more, more responsibility, more potential yadda yadda yadda. Then was hit with the things above, but hey, still at that point so wont dwell too much on it.

My mental health has improved somewhat as well. I still have dark days, don't get me wrong. But less days that involve actively tying a noose, and more days just thinking about it. I saw a counsellor for a couple of months, that was erm, whats the word I am looking for....joyous [insert sarcasm here]. Each week I had a different diagnosis. I think in two different sessions she diagnosed me as having autism, then schizophrenia, I recall OCD mentioned as well. This, from a woman whose purpose was to literally listen to what I had to say. Nothing else. She wasn't qualified to diagnose, but she sure as hell enjoyed doing it any way. I always came out laughing though at the bull crap she spurted at me. I guess it is hard to treat someone who knows all the tricks of the trade. After all, Mental health is my bread and butter....or at least it was. Hmm.

I have become a member of an awesome online community as well since I last blogged, which is the main reason of neglect. I have become hooked on Twitch.

 Yes I stream now. I can fully say I have gone to the dark side and have become a fully fledged nerd. I play Minecraft and CS:GO pretty much all the time now. If I am not playing it then I am watching it. There are some awesome casters out there, some of whom have become really good friends on mine. Some I have already met, some I hope to meet in the future. Who knows.

Ah, it is really late and I just wanted to ramble for a bit as no one else is really around. I hope the few that do read are well.

Oh, yeah, Happy Halloween as well!

What can I say?...

What can I say? Not a lot really, or can I? Who knows these days.

I know subjectively that things in my life are looking up: my epilepsy medication is working, I am currently trying to get discharged from my MH team, my relationship with my wife is as strong as ever.

So I ask you, why do I still feel empty, like something is missing. I don't feel like things are improving at all. For example I am back where I was this time last year, signed off from work (granted this time due to concussion rather than seizures) again. I feel hollow and feel like I have nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. Can any one (if any one) suggest any ideas to fix this for me please, I am desperate.

Recently I have also become obsessed with body image. I have noticed more than ever that there is pressure on women to be this skinny 'perfect' specimen rather than a healthy person with curves in all the right places. Why should skinny mean beauty. One of the most beautiful women I look to is the famous Dawn French. She isn't skinny at all. But there is a beauty in her face and most importantly her personality. Personality is far over looked these days. A warm and caring person, with a keen ear and a great mind means more than a skinny shallow wanna be celebrity who can only think of themselves (note: Made in Chelsea and TOWIE fuel this comment). I realise that this shows my insecurity of my own body, which I do not deny very much exists.  I am comfortable knowing I am insecure about my body, and I acknowledge that something needs to change to over come this, but at this moment in time I have no energy to do such thing, so it is just one more factor in the whir wind of nothing that is going on in my ever expanding craziness.

Ramble ramble, blah blah blah, white noise.

Peace out. 

I'm back...for now.

Well after a break I am back. 

A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. Most of it is pretty much crappy. I can't actually think of any thing positive that has gone, nothing life changing.

My epilepsy caused me to spiral into a depressive cycle. This was accompanied by psychosis. Thankfully the depression is pretty much in control. The psychosis on the other hand, is far from it. I have this dark figure that follows me that no one else seems to be able to see. He is a nasty horrible man who really does not like me in the slightest.

A good friend of mine told me to embrace the crazy. How do you embrace something so dark that is taking over your life? Something that doesn't want you to exist and something that just wants to fuck with your head constantly? Please tell me if you have any ideas about this one.

This is the first time I have admitted this to the general public, not that there are many readers but I am reaching out for help and advice on how to deal with this. I just want to be able to carry on every day without having to pay any attention to what is being said to me. I am a mental health nurse and I know all the theories and what I am supposed to do - but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

A friend has saved my once - I don't mean in the physical sense, but in the mental state. Her constant bullying and perseverance got me out of the depression, and both me and my wife will never be able to express how thankful we are for this true friendship. But there are some things bullying cannot solve, and the psychosis is one of them.

Break time

I think I am going to take a break from here. I have to get back on top of things and get myself sorted so blogging is off the list. As helpful as I find it to off load on here as I know not many people read but offloading can also cause me re-reading it.

Anywho, bye bye for now although I am sure I will be back soon.

Exercise is good!

This is something I have known for years - I used to play sports for years so I knew this. 

However, given my mood recently, I thought it was about time I got off my back side and actually do something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone on a 10 K run or gone on a huge massive bike ride, instead I have turned to weights. Great way to get rid of anger and burn so negative energy away at the same time.

Aching like a b***h already but feeling surprisingly good about it. I like repetitive tasks for a start so this is perfect for me. Same with Poi - although the weather has prevented me from being able to do Poi - the flat is not big enough to play with them. 

I want to do more active team sports but sadly, thanks to the ol' body popping thing that I have going on means I will have to put this on hold for a while but it is something to look forward to, another goal to achieve. How long it will take me to achieve this I do not know - but the hope of being able to participate in the sports I love most are enough to keep me going. Then next step driving license; one step at a time though.

As you can probably tell I am having an Okay day today. Which is very good. I just need to remember these days for when I feel rubbish and cannot see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better, it is just hard to remember that when things pile on top of you. Positive thoughts and all that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying and playing with weights.

Cheerio :)

Achievements

Achievements today:

                                     Getting up and getting ready for work.

Seeing the Mrs insanely ill and remembering a shit load of appointments I have today.

My boss letting me have two days annual leave to a) look after the Mrs; b) get all appointments sorted.

Actually opened my text book for my OU course, which is an improvement as I haven't been in the right place.

Having a Dr Who day whilst trying to do all of the above is nice.

Preparing to see appointments with a list of questions I have which is a first, but I want answers dammit!

Planing on making dinner, which means actually eating; which means my appetite is coming back; which means things are (or appear to be) improving.

Realising things are not always as bad as they seem when you have amazing people around you who support you no matter what

It may not seem like a lot to most people for me, but given how things have been the last few weeks I feel this is a step forward. I know there will be something that knocks me back again, but I have to remember those moments when things do go forward; and hold on them.