One onomatopoeia ....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think that about sums it up really - and it is only 10:10 am. Not bad really to say I had a bad night. A night of various dreams that were in no way nice or welcomed. Dreams about fights, fall outs, arguments, break up's, head aches, death, seizures, body issues and much more. Now you don't really need to be able to analyze dreams to work this one out, and for those who are, please refrain from doing so (or at least if you do don't tell me about it). Quite a change from before I went to bed.

The head aches are back as well, which is never a good sign for me. Usually means seizures are just around a sharp corner - the type of corner you can misjudge if you are not paying much attention to that around you. One of these days I may learn... we shall see.

I think it is time to go for a walk and get some fresh air, maybe that may sort things out.

That sudden realisation that...

... You have become an adult. Not in the traditional sense (as those who know me know that I am far from the socially accepted form of 'adult') but in the sense that I, the person who still feels like a 17 year old, is getting married this year. Well, in a few weeks.

Whilst making balloon weights and thinking about the small things that are left to organise for 'the big day', I was hit by this huge wave of realisation that I am an adult, a grown up, doing grown up things, in a grown up world. Granted I am still going to dance around the house in a sponge bob t-shirt, eat loads of things I shouldn't, watch kids cartoons and spend hours playing games, that is a given; but my views of the world, of my direction in life, of myself, have all suddenly changed. And for the good... I think.

Granted I am getting married, and today that hit me like a punch bag (again, in a good way!); but the other half bought up the topic of children the other week, and it has triggered a series of sleepless nights dreaming about what it would be like. Something which I had only ever thought about in my sleep. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you in a heart beat how I have always said out right no to kids. This, however, has changed some what. Maybe it is because of the mood I am in today, the reflective mood where I take a good look at my life and the direction of the journey it is taking. But the more I think about it, having my own little family, I like it... I like it a lot.

God knows it is a scary thought, and the thought of being a parent is a terrifying one. Normally made up of thoughts of "what if I turned out like..." and "god, what if my kids hated me" amongst other thoughts. Talking to friends of mine who have recently had children, they said these were all the thoughts they had when they became new parents. When asked "how do you know what to do?" Their reply was simple, and one that I like "You just wing it and hope for the best". Magical.

I have many other fears about children. If we were to go down the route of IVF (or IUI to be precise), who would carry, who's eggs would we use? what if I carried and they were my eggs, would the child end up with my ailments? would that be a moral thing to do?

So many questions that are buzzing around in my head right now. It is all a lot to take in at present. It is kind of fun (in a weird sort of only a me could find fun) in a way. Scary, I do not this deny this, but fun. I know I am starting a journey in to the unknown with my partner, but the scare adds to the  thrill. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens... And just 'wing it' when we get there

Peace out

Yay, finally it has happened!

After long debates, people trying to put spanners in the works, protests on both sides; today, after a long battle, Gay Marriage in the UK has finally been passed through the last stages of the House of Lords. Hurrah!

At long last the politicians are starting to get with the times! Still a lot of work needs doing to change so many things for so many people. But for now I will settle for this huge achieve and advancement made today. Thank you Stonewall and the various other charities that have been lobbying to get this passed. THANK YOU!!!

Time for change!

It is such an over used phrase... "It is time for change!" However, after a prolonged period of self loathing I have decided to take action and get things back on track.

Today I have made several enquires into clubs and activities that I used to love doing. I have signed up to the Quit Smoking campaign run by the NHS. Spent some of the day doing weights (if a chipped index finger joint may I add!)

What else have I achieved today? Hmm. Not really sure. I think that is about it. To be fair, it is more then I achieve most days, and it is the first step to getting myself sorted right?

Now just to wait for Friday. I find out whether I am to return to work, or rather when I can return to work. I also find out whether I am owed back pay for the massive cock up made by pay roll. Maybe I may win the lottery as well whilst I am at it. Then Saturday I am spending the day at an archery shop for the better half's birthday. Sounds boring but am rather looking forward to it. Spending a day shooting sharp objects as a target that I can pretend to be anyone... sounds like a hoot if you ask me! Which reminds me, Birthday Cards!!! Must not forget to do that this week. Mental note made!

Anywho, I am off for an early night with a cup of hot chocolate and a little sneak peak into Stephen Fry's life (reading his Autobiography at the moment. Enlightening to say the least!)

Peace out.