"As it seems"

I am having a bad day. A really bad day. When I say bad day, I mean that in a 'mentally I am in a really bad place and need a hug' kind of day. I have screamed, I have shouted, I have laughed hysterically, I have cried, no strike that, sobbed. All over nothing.

Oh wait, yeah know I know what it is, it's that little thing called depression hitting back again. I have felt it kicking in over the last few weeks, as with everything else going on, but today it has really hit me that my depression is back. I don't think it ever went away to be honest, I just got better at hiding it.

I have tried listening to happy music, sad music, watching happy TV/Films, cooking, cleaning all to distract. I want to bath/shower to chill out as I find this really helpful but sadly because of my epilepsy I can't do either alone any more. There is no getting away.

The only thing keeping me sane right now:

Lily Kershaw - As it seems

"As It Seems"

Well I knew
What I didn’t want to know
And I saw
Where I didn’t want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I’m gone...
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems 

 

 

I find songs powerful. This is one of those songs. It gives me a lifeline. It feels like the only thing I have at the moment. My Wife is asleep as she was up all night, my sister-in-law resides in the spare bedroom and has her own shit going on. My parents are going away and care very little about the fact that I am physically ill - they have never been ones to care about mental health either, my brother is working, has aspergers and doesn't understand all this. I can't turn to my friends as they all have stuff going on. I can't turn to the professionals - again. They don't want me on their caselaod due to conflict of interest. I feel so alone. Empty. 

 

 

Update on the cray cray

OK, so I get that it has been a while..... A very long time in fact, since I was last here. I have my reasons for this.

Epilepsy: 

Things were getting back on track. I was starting to come off certain medication, I was back at work, albeit seconded to a shitty department that had next to nothing to do with nursing but hey, what ever! But then I went to MineCon2015 in London. And I went in to status epilepticus. This basically meant that I had non stop seizures for over 24 hours that they (the medical professionals) where unable to stop with medical intervention. 

I ended up in Critical Care for a while, then transferred hospitals to continue my treatment until I was out of the woods. Things continued to get better from there. So much better in fact that I was able to start a new job. A few months in however and BAM seizure at work. There were issues around having a member of staff working where I do with epilepsy for security reasons (can't go into that sadly), so this happening just played in to their hands. Turns out my seizures came back with vengeance due to a chest and kidney infection, which I am still fighting off. So long and short of it, I am off work, having seizures daily due to being a giant, walking infection. Still following me...? OK.

Everything else: 

So whilst all this crap was going on with my health and the shit I was getting from my old employer, I managed to somehow (still to this day not sure how I got it!) get a new job. A much better job. It paid more, more responsibility, more potential yadda yadda yadda. Then was hit with the things above, but hey, still at that point so wont dwell too much on it.

My mental health has improved somewhat as well. I still have dark days, don't get me wrong. But less days that involve actively tying a noose, and more days just thinking about it. I saw a counsellor for a couple of months, that was erm, whats the word I am looking for....joyous [insert sarcasm here]. Each week I had a different diagnosis. I think in two different sessions she diagnosed me as having autism, then schizophrenia, I recall OCD mentioned as well. This, from a woman whose purpose was to literally listen to what I had to say. Nothing else. She wasn't qualified to diagnose, but she sure as hell enjoyed doing it any way. I always came out laughing though at the bull crap she spurted at me. I guess it is hard to treat someone who knows all the tricks of the trade. After all, Mental health is my bread and butter....or at least it was. Hmm.

I have become a member of an awesome online community as well since I last blogged, which is the main reason of neglect. I have become hooked on Twitch.

 Yes I stream now. I can fully say I have gone to the dark side and have become a fully fledged nerd. I play Minecraft and CS:GO pretty much all the time now. If I am not playing it then I am watching it. There are some awesome casters out there, some of whom have become really good friends on mine. Some I have already met, some I hope to meet in the future. Who knows.

Ah, it is really late and I just wanted to ramble for a bit as no one else is really around. I hope the few that do read are well.

Oh, yeah, Happy Halloween as well!

What can I say?...

What can I say? Not a lot really, or can I? Who knows these days.

I know subjectively that things in my life are looking up: my epilepsy medication is working, I am currently trying to get discharged from my MH team, my relationship with my wife is as strong as ever.

So I ask you, why do I still feel empty, like something is missing. I don't feel like things are improving at all. For example I am back where I was this time last year, signed off from work (granted this time due to concussion rather than seizures) again. I feel hollow and feel like I have nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. Can any one (if any one) suggest any ideas to fix this for me please, I am desperate.

Recently I have also become obsessed with body image. I have noticed more than ever that there is pressure on women to be this skinny 'perfect' specimen rather than a healthy person with curves in all the right places. Why should skinny mean beauty. One of the most beautiful women I look to is the famous Dawn French. She isn't skinny at all. But there is a beauty in her face and most importantly her personality. Personality is far over looked these days. A warm and caring person, with a keen ear and a great mind means more than a skinny shallow wanna be celebrity who can only think of themselves (note: Made in Chelsea and TOWIE fuel this comment). I realise that this shows my insecurity of my own body, which I do not deny very much exists.  I am comfortable knowing I am insecure about my body, and I acknowledge that something needs to change to over come this, but at this moment in time I have no energy to do such thing, so it is just one more factor in the whir wind of nothing that is going on in my ever expanding craziness.

Ramble ramble, blah blah blah, white noise.

Peace out. 

I'm back...for now.

Well after a break I am back. 

A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. Most of it is pretty much crappy. I can't actually think of any thing positive that has gone, nothing life changing.

My epilepsy caused me to spiral into a depressive cycle. This was accompanied by psychosis. Thankfully the depression is pretty much in control. The psychosis on the other hand, is far from it. I have this dark figure that follows me that no one else seems to be able to see. He is a nasty horrible man who really does not like me in the slightest.

A good friend of mine told me to embrace the crazy. How do you embrace something so dark that is taking over your life? Something that doesn't want you to exist and something that just wants to fuck with your head constantly? Please tell me if you have any ideas about this one.

This is the first time I have admitted this to the general public, not that there are many readers but I am reaching out for help and advice on how to deal with this. I just want to be able to carry on every day without having to pay any attention to what is being said to me. I am a mental health nurse and I know all the theories and what I am supposed to do - but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

A friend has saved my once - I don't mean in the physical sense, but in the mental state. Her constant bullying and perseverance got me out of the depression, and both me and my wife will never be able to express how thankful we are for this true friendship. But there are some things bullying cannot solve, and the psychosis is one of them.

Break time

I think I am going to take a break from here. I have to get back on top of things and get myself sorted so blogging is off the list. As helpful as I find it to off load on here as I know not many people read but offloading can also cause me re-reading it.

Anywho, bye bye for now although I am sure I will be back soon.

Exercise is good!

This is something I have known for years - I used to play sports for years so I knew this. 

However, given my mood recently, I thought it was about time I got off my back side and actually do something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone on a 10 K run or gone on a huge massive bike ride, instead I have turned to weights. Great way to get rid of anger and burn so negative energy away at the same time.

Aching like a b***h already but feeling surprisingly good about it. I like repetitive tasks for a start so this is perfect for me. Same with Poi - although the weather has prevented me from being able to do Poi - the flat is not big enough to play with them. 

I want to do more active team sports but sadly, thanks to the ol' body popping thing that I have going on means I will have to put this on hold for a while but it is something to look forward to, another goal to achieve. How long it will take me to achieve this I do not know - but the hope of being able to participate in the sports I love most are enough to keep me going. Then next step driving license; one step at a time though.

As you can probably tell I am having an Okay day today. Which is very good. I just need to remember these days for when I feel rubbish and cannot see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better, it is just hard to remember that when things pile on top of you. Positive thoughts and all that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying and playing with weights.

Cheerio :)

Achievements

Achievements today:

                                     Getting up and getting ready for work.

Seeing the Mrs insanely ill and remembering a shit load of appointments I have today.

My boss letting me have two days annual leave to a) look after the Mrs; b) get all appointments sorted.

Actually opened my text book for my OU course, which is an improvement as I haven't been in the right place.

Having a Dr Who day whilst trying to do all of the above is nice.

Preparing to see appointments with a list of questions I have which is a first, but I want answers dammit!

Planing on making dinner, which means actually eating; which means my appetite is coming back; which means things are (or appear to be) improving.

Realising things are not always as bad as they seem when you have amazing people around you who support you no matter what

It may not seem like a lot to most people for me, but given how things have been the last few weeks I feel this is a step forward. I know there will be something that knocks me back again, but I have to remember those moments when things do go forward; and hold on them.

Inside Out

"Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,

yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,

yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,

yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,

yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,

yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,

yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,

yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,

yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,

yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,

What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine. "

I think that sums it up really.

Credit for this poem goes to © Angie Flores

Not every one chooses to wear their masks - some of us have no choice

This is very true. Some people can put on a metaphorical mask to cover the barrage of shit that is affecting their lives on a daily basis. They then take this mask off when they are in a solitary place a weep so the world can't see. These people are the strongest of people. The ones who will take your crap, be your shoulder to cry on and the one you always turn to. But who do they turn to when that mask comes off? Can they turn to anyone as they are perceived as 'the strong ones'.

It may come as a shock to some that this actually happens. And the sooner people realise this the better. Calling someone grumpy when you know they are having a bad time is just poking a huge bear with a stick - you are going to get your face ripped off and told to go fuck your self with a cactus!

Those who are able to toss their masks in their bags and live freely without the constant feeling of gloom, the constant shadow that follows you around, the type that the mask protects you from. I salute you, and envy you as well. But to those who don't need a mask, please look out for those who do, they are the ones you will turn to in a time of crisis, and gives you all the advice you need and then you drop them, yet when they turn to you for support you have not the slightest clue; ask them if they are okay every now and then; and if they are having a bad day, do not call them grumpy, miserable, or any other related term.

Rawr!

Dinosaur,

Duck,

Dog, 

Garfield,

Cat, 

Lasagne, 

Tattoo, 

Tea, 

Coffee, 

Sugar,

Remote, 

Batteries, 

Mug, 

Cup, 

Bottle,

Glass, 

Book, 

Tape, 

Inhaler, 

Highlighter, 

Pen, 

Laptop, 

Key board, 

Mouse, 

PC, 

TV, 

Screen, 

Lamp, 

Toilet rool, 

Bread box, 

Sofa, 

Chair, 

Photo, 

Money box, 

Bow, 

Arrow, 

Stable, 

Table, 

Scissors,

Trousers,

Tablets, 

Tablet box,

Medication,

Work, 

Hell,

Section,

136

135

2

3

4

5(2)

5(4)

T3

T2

666, 

Devil, 

Damian, 

Night nurse,

Paracetamol,

Dr who, 

T.A.R.D.I.S

Spacer,

Nebuliser,

Stabiliser,

Bike,

Unicycle,

Bath,

Sink, 

Cluedo

My mind is not staying in one place. It has been one of those days. At least the random thoughts and words are distracting me to a fantastical level!

It is the simple things...

Nowadays it is most certainly the simple things that put a smile on my face. This is a good thing as I am still finding it pretty hard to deal with the whirlwind in my head. Anyway, back to the simple things... This was posted on a friends facebook page and it made a little smile appear (and a song stuck in my head):

Add "jump" in front of each number and you have got it!

Thank you for this :)

The sun is shining... But the builders are still at it!

Sadly the guy next door moved out after a lot going on for him. This has resulted in builders moving in. They are the only builders I know that start bang on half 8 of a morning, and go on til half 5. They don't even take a break as it is a constant bang after bang after drill and bang. Not helpful when you have a banging head ache.

Back in go the ear phones!

Today is a Latter day...

Okay, so I went with the Mrs the other week to see the West End show, The Book of Mormon. I have had songs from it stuck in my head all day. I would suggest looking some of them up on Youtube but you need to watch the show to gain some context on the songs, otherwise they could be misunderstood, drastically misunderstood!

Anyway. Today has been a strange one. My mind cannot make up whether my mood is up or down, left of right etc ( you get the picture). My GP is awesome. She rings most days to make sure I am okay. Never before have I had such amazing medical input. She is just a genuinely nice person; her sole interest is in her patients, not the money. My consultant is the same as well. I received a lovely review letter from him, he came across as so lovely, gentle and polite. Also very informal. I just have awesome medics at the moment, truly blessed in that way; after so many years of crappy doctors who are clearly in it for the money, and working with many of the same disposition, it makes a change to see genuine caring doctors out there. I especially appreciate them more than ever as I went into status epilepticus last sunday - scary times. First time in 4 years that has happened, and I hope it is the last.

Slight side step there. I just realized how much I appreciate my medical team at the moment. And my wife. She has been my rock these last few crappy weeks (well last 5 years but that goes without saying!) If it weren't for her then I would probably be dead, if not through seizures then of my own doing due to my fits. Vicious cycle. Although through process of elimination my GP, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that it is my medication that is causing me to spiral in and out of depressive episodes. The sooner that I can come off of them the better. This is a constant back and fourth 'discussion' often had between me and the medics.

Back to the medics again. Sorry. My mind has been wondering a lot recently. I am finding it hard to concentrate of more then one thing at a time. Typing is like trying to type with 3D glasses or beer goggles on. Thinking is like a small child trying to put a triangle block in a circle shaped hole... amusing yet hard. Seeing is also equally difficult. Thanks to the seizures my eye sight has significantly decreased. I had my eyes tested and the out come wasn't great - and nor was my bank balance afterwards. £180 on one pair of okay glasses. Shocking. However a week and a half later I am still awaiting for them to be made so I can start and see clearly ( now the rain has gone - sorry I did say I get distracted easily). 

My coordination has also gone to pot. I have tried things to improve this. I tried yoga and fell on my face. I tried Poi, and that was going well until I kept whacking myself with them as my sense of balance and coordination just went out the door. Any suggestions would be mostly welcomed at this time. I am due to return to work on Wednesday so I need to get this thing down by then.

Anyway, I am going as my head is going off in a completely random direction and trying to type whilst watching the Simpsons is equally distracting.

Peace Out

(P.S any suggestions on how to improve things would genuinely be appreciated - seriously!)

Life is like a web - Takes hard work to build but takes one swat to destroy it.

Depressing title I know. This is where things are at for me at the moment.

My epilepsy is getting the better of me again, and it is really taking its toll on me mentally. I am just so lucky to have amazing friends and wife to get me through this really crap time. I know there are people out there all over the world that are in a far worse position than I; however I find it hard to see past the mental block and blip that I am going through at the moment. I appreciate how selfish this is, and it just adds guilt to the whirlwind of my head. Arrrrgh!

I have tried many things. Most of the things recently have included practicing what I preach, and that shows how desperate I am as my ode is "Do as I say, not as I do!". I tried repetative things, which strangely works. I also have tried things to regain my sense of coordination; not going to lie it has gone to pot recently. I tried Poi for this (if you have not tried it, do! It is amazing fun). This was going well until I smacked myself with them a few times. Warning - it does hurt, but you do get used to it eventually! This was advice I took from a great friend and I am glad that she re-introduced them to me.

Any way, I am rambling, and could keep going but I am tired and need to off load stuff onto a pillow. Literally.

Night

"Two large masses could be tumors"... or breasts?!

What a hell of a couple of months. I am fully aware that my poor blog has been neglected but I have plenty of excuses for that, both good and bad.

I shall list my excuses bellow :

• I finally got married (well civilly partnered to be precise, but we wont argue over terms). It was such an amazing day with our nearest and dearest there. We were gutted that some people couldn't make it but we know they were there with us in mind. The weather was beautiful, glorious sunshine and the temperature maxed at 27 0C which was a bonus. We were also blessed with such generous gifts which means we can finally go snow boarding (one I can find some insurance).

• My seizures are being a pain in the arse. I was doing so well with them for a while, and things were finally starting to actually get better. That was until the season of colds, chest infections and flu came into action. My body cannot deal with in the slightest amount of infection without going into a full body popping session. These has resulted in further increase in unwanted medication and further drain on my mental ability to deal with it. Many times over the last few weeks I have wished that I feel asleep and didn't wake up so I didn't have to deal with it. However after seeking support I am slowly starting to get a grasp on this whole dealing with it thing. better late then never right?

• Work! I am finally back at work (almost) and that has taken a lot out of me. I moan and groan but actually I am so glad to be back, to have purpose back in my life. Granted I am stuck to office and admin rolls but I know I am safe there. I have a good team who look out for me, and have been so supportive that I have been so lucky. They are an amazing, all but fecking crazy, bunch, and you know what, I am realising that I really want to stick with them, illness and craziness and all.

Well that pretty much sums up why I have let things slip. On a slightly random note, if anyone has any suggestions on:

• How to get your head around the new iOS7 and how to change your voicemail message
• Where to find support on epilepsy services of support in your local area (have already tried the well known charities.
• How you deal with your seizures (personal stories etc).

Many thanks and peace out

One onomatopoeia ....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think that about sums it up really - and it is only 10:10 am. Not bad really to say I had a bad night. A night of various dreams that were in no way nice or welcomed. Dreams about fights, fall outs, arguments, break up's, head aches, death, seizures, body issues and much more. Now you don't really need to be able to analyze dreams to work this one out, and for those who are, please refrain from doing so (or at least if you do don't tell me about it). Quite a change from before I went to bed.

The head aches are back as well, which is never a good sign for me. Usually means seizures are just around a sharp corner - the type of corner you can misjudge if you are not paying much attention to that around you. One of these days I may learn... we shall see.

I think it is time to go for a walk and get some fresh air, maybe that may sort things out.

That sudden realisation that...

... You have become an adult. Not in the traditional sense (as those who know me know that I am far from the socially accepted form of 'adult') but in the sense that I, the person who still feels like a 17 year old, is getting married this year. Well, in a few weeks.

Whilst making balloon weights and thinking about the small things that are left to organise for 'the big day', I was hit by this huge wave of realisation that I am an adult, a grown up, doing grown up things, in a grown up world. Granted I am still going to dance around the house in a sponge bob t-shirt, eat loads of things I shouldn't, watch kids cartoons and spend hours playing games, that is a given; but my views of the world, of my direction in life, of myself, have all suddenly changed. And for the good... I think.

Granted I am getting married, and today that hit me like a punch bag (again, in a good way!); but the other half bought up the topic of children the other week, and it has triggered a series of sleepless nights dreaming about what it would be like. Something which I had only ever thought about in my sleep. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you in a heart beat how I have always said out right no to kids. This, however, has changed some what. Maybe it is because of the mood I am in today, the reflective mood where I take a good look at my life and the direction of the journey it is taking. But the more I think about it, having my own little family, I like it... I like it a lot.

God knows it is a scary thought, and the thought of being a parent is a terrifying one. Normally made up of thoughts of "what if I turned out like..." and "god, what if my kids hated me" amongst other thoughts. Talking to friends of mine who have recently had children, they said these were all the thoughts they had when they became new parents. When asked "how do you know what to do?" Their reply was simple, and one that I like "You just wing it and hope for the best". Magical.

I have many other fears about children. If we were to go down the route of IVF (or IUI to be precise), who would carry, who's eggs would we use? what if I carried and they were my eggs, would the child end up with my ailments? would that be a moral thing to do?

So many questions that are buzzing around in my head right now. It is all a lot to take in at present. It is kind of fun (in a weird sort of only a me could find fun) in a way. Scary, I do not this deny this, but fun. I know I am starting a journey in to the unknown with my partner, but the scare adds to the  thrill. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens... And just 'wing it' when we get there

Peace out

Yay, finally it has happened!

After long debates, people trying to put spanners in the works, protests on both sides; today, after a long battle, Gay Marriage in the UK has finally been passed through the last stages of the House of Lords. Hurrah!

At long last the politicians are starting to get with the times! Still a lot of work needs doing to change so many things for so many people. But for now I will settle for this huge achieve and advancement made today. Thank you Stonewall and the various other charities that have been lobbying to get this passed. THANK YOU!!!

Time for change!

It is such an over used phrase... "It is time for change!" However, after a prolonged period of self loathing I have decided to take action and get things back on track.

Today I have made several enquires into clubs and activities that I used to love doing. I have signed up to the Quit Smoking campaign run by the NHS. Spent some of the day doing weights (if a chipped index finger joint may I add!)

What else have I achieved today? Hmm. Not really sure. I think that is about it. To be fair, it is more then I achieve most days, and it is the first step to getting myself sorted right?

Now just to wait for Friday. I find out whether I am to return to work, or rather when I can return to work. I also find out whether I am owed back pay for the massive cock up made by pay roll. Maybe I may win the lottery as well whilst I am at it. Then Saturday I am spending the day at an archery shop for the better half's birthday. Sounds boring but am rather looking forward to it. Spending a day shooting sharp objects as a target that I can pretend to be anyone... sounds like a hoot if you ask me! Which reminds me, Birthday Cards!!! Must not forget to do that this week. Mental note made!

Anywho, I am off for an early night with a cup of hot chocolate and a little sneak peak into Stephen Fry's life (reading his Autobiography at the moment. Enlightening to say the least!)

Peace out.

The Calm after the Storm

Today is a new day. Having got over the emotional turmoil that has been the last week I woke this morning with a new perspective on things. After some accounting with the better half and working out outgoings, I am surprisingly looking forward to living the simple life for a while. Things like living by candle light in the evenings; eating like a student (to be fair this will do me good, due to the medications I have been put on I have put on a lot of weight, so this will work wonders for the waist line!); Showering and bathing by candle light; reading a listening to music rather then using stupid amounts of power to watch TV/playing PC games. I think I can do that for a few weeks. Even may start taking walks and spending time in the garden (providing I can actually get past the door due to the swarm of bees still insistent on dive bombing us when ever we attempt to get to the garden). There are many things I can do to occupy ones self with out the need of money. I will also be trying very hard to quit smoking as the cost of that alone is a small fortune!

At least this is what I am telling myself. The positivity may just be coming from the fact that the sun is shining very brightly and the washing is on the line. Van Morrison on in the back ground may also be helping. Thank god for credit cards as well. Thanks to having paid off most my cards, I had a few pennies left over which meant I could get the last little bits sorted for the wedding. Further to being thankful for credit cards, I am also thankful for the likes of eBay and Amazon. Wedding rings and helium bought for less then £30. Bonus I reckon. Also, thankful for friends who are crafty - I mean that in the sense of being good at making things and having things to hand that I no longer have. Not in the pinching things sense. I also have managed to secure a cake stand for the big day and have also finally come to an agreement with the better half on how the cake is going to be presented and what cake we are having.... Finally!

All that is left to do now is actually turn up on the day. Oh and tell the parents what is actually happening on the day. This is where things go wrong, but I shall deal with that when I come to it.Oh, and to work out a way to make balloon weights for free as refuse on principal to buy them. On further positive notes and returning to the dull repeats of medication and epilepsy, I have been a period without seizures, which means that I may be able to return to work far sooner then initially anticipated. This has various bonuses to it, the main one being paid. The second to cure boredom.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get into the garden to try and come up with a way to make balloon weights with what we have. Any ideas are welcomed.

Peace out