"As it seems"

I am having a bad day. A really bad day. When I say bad day, I mean that in a 'mentally I am in a really bad place and need a hug' kind of day. I have screamed, I have shouted, I have laughed hysterically, I have cried, no strike that, sobbed. All over nothing.

Oh wait, yeah know I know what it is, it's that little thing called depression hitting back again. I have felt it kicking in over the last few weeks, as with everything else going on, but today it has really hit me that my depression is back. I don't think it ever went away to be honest, I just got better at hiding it.

I have tried listening to happy music, sad music, watching happy TV/Films, cooking, cleaning all to distract. I want to bath/shower to chill out as I find this really helpful but sadly because of my epilepsy I can't do either alone any more. There is no getting away.

The only thing keeping me sane right now:

Lily Kershaw - As it seems

"As It Seems"

Well I knew
What I didn’t want to know
And I saw
Where I didn’t want to go
So I took the path less traveled on
And I'll let my stories be whispered
When I’m gone...
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
Well in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems
Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive
But the way that he looked at me
Made me feel alive
And now I know
Nothin' at all
But the release that comes when you're
In mid fall...
In mid fall
In mid fall
In mid fall
Cause in this life you must find something to live for
Cause when the darkness comes a callin'
You'll go back to where you were before
Cause this life is as
Fragile as a dream, and
Nothing’s ever really
As it seems...
As it seems
As it seems
As it seems 

 

 

I find songs powerful. This is one of those songs. It gives me a lifeline. It feels like the only thing I have at the moment. My Wife is asleep as she was up all night, my sister-in-law resides in the spare bedroom and has her own shit going on. My parents are going away and care very little about the fact that I am physically ill - they have never been ones to care about mental health either, my brother is working, has aspergers and doesn't understand all this. I can't turn to my friends as they all have stuff going on. I can't turn to the professionals - again. They don't want me on their caselaod due to conflict of interest. I feel so alone. Empty.