Friday, 6 December 2013

I'm back...for now.

Well after a break I am back. 

A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. Most of it is pretty much crappy. I can't actually think of any thing positive that has gone, nothing life changing.

My epilepsy caused me to spiral into a depressive cycle. This was accompanied by psychosis. Thankfully the depression is pretty much in control. The psychosis on the other hand, is far from it. I have this dark figure that follows me that no one else seems to be able to see. He is a nasty horrible man who really does not like me in the slightest.

A good friend of mine told me to embrace the crazy. How do you embrace something so dark that is taking over your life? Something that doesn't want you to exist and something that just wants to fuck with your head constantly? Please tell me if you have any ideas about this one.

This is the first time I have admitted this to the general public, not that there are many readers but I am reaching out for help and advice on how to deal with this. I just want to be able to carry on every day without having to pay any attention to what is being said to me. I am a mental health nurse and I know all the theories and what I am supposed to do - but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

A friend has saved my once - I don't mean in the physical sense, but in the mental state. Her constant bullying and perseverance got me out of the depression, and both me and my wife will never be able to express how thankful we are for this true friendship. But there are some things bullying cannot solve, and the psychosis is one of them.


Saturday, 19 October 2013

Break time

I think I am going to take a break from here. I have to get back on top of things and get myself sorted so blogging is off the list. As helpful as I find it to off load on here as I know not many people read but offloading can also cause me re-reading it.

Anywho, bye bye for now although I am sure I will be back soon.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Exercise is good!

This is something I have known for years - I used to play sports for years so I knew this. 

However, given my mood recently, I thought it was about time I got off my back side and actually do something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone on a 10 K run or gone on a huge massive bike ride, instead I have turned to weights. Great way to get rid of anger and burn so negative energy away at the same time.

Aching like a b***h already but feeling surprisingly good about it. I like repetitive tasks for a start so this is perfect for me. Same with Poi - although the weather has prevented me from being able to do Poi - the flat is not big enough to play with them. 

I want to do more active team sports but sadly, thanks to the ol' body popping thing that I have going on means I will have to put this on hold for a while but it is something to look forward to, another goal to achieve. How long it will take me to achieve this I do not know - but the hope of being able to participate in the sports I love most are enough to keep me going. Then next step driving license; one step at a time though.

As you can probably tell I am having an Okay day today. Which is very good. I just need to remember these days for when I feel rubbish and cannot see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better, it is just hard to remember that when things pile on top of you. Positive thoughts and all that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying and playing with weights.

Cheerio :)

Monday, 14 October 2013

Achievements

Achievements today:


                                     Getting up and getting ready for work.


Seeing the Mrs insanely ill and remembering a shit load of appointments I have today.



My boss letting me have two days annual leave to a) look after the Mrs; b) get all appointments sorted.



Actually opened my text book for my OU course, which is an improvement as I haven't been in the right place.



Having a Dr Who day whilst trying to do all of the above is nice.



Preparing to see appointments with a list of questions I have which is a first, but I want answers dammit!



Planing on making dinner, which means actually eating; which means my appetite is coming back; which means things are (or appear to be) improving.



Realising things are not always as bad as they seem when you have amazing people around you who support you no matter what


It may not seem like a lot to most people for me, but given how things have been the last few weeks I feel this is a step forward. I know there will be something that knocks me back again, but I have to remember those moments when things do go forward; and hold on them.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Inside out

Inside Out

"Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.



Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,
What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine. "



I think that sums it up really.



Credit for this poem goes to © Angie Flores




Friday, 11 October 2013

Not every one chooses to wear their masks - some of us have no choice

This is very true. Some people can put on a metaphorical mask to cover the barrage of shit that is affecting their lives on a daily basis. They then take this mask off when they are in a solitary place a weep so the world can't see. These people are the strongest of people. The ones who will take your crap, be your shoulder to cry on and the one you always turn to. But who do they turn to when that mask comes off? Can they turn to anyone as they are perceived as 'the strong ones'.





It may come as a shock to some that this actually happens. And the sooner people realise this the better. Calling someone grumpy when you know they are having a bad time is just poking a huge bear with a stick - you are going to get your face ripped off and told to go fuck your self with a cactus!





Those who are able to toss their masks in their bags and live freely without the constant feeling of gloom, the constant shadow that follows you around, the type that the mask protects you from. I salute you, and envy you as well. But to those who don't need a mask, please look out for those who do, they are the ones you will turn to in a time of crisis, and gives you all the advice you need and then you drop them, yet when they turn to you for support you have not the slightest clue; ask them if they are okay every now and then; and if they are having a bad day, do not call them grumpy, miserable, or any other related term.

Rawr!

Dinosaur,
Duck,
Dog, 
Garfield,
Cat, 
Lasagne, 
Tattoo, 
Tea, 
Coffee, 
Sugar,
Remote, 
Batteries, 
Mug, 
Cup, 
Bottle,
Glass, 
Book, 
Tape, 
Inhaler, 
Highlighter, 
Pen, 
Laptop, 
Key board, 
Mouse, 
PC, 
TV, 
Screen, 
Lamp, 
Toilet rool, 
Bread box, 
Sofa, 
Chair, 
Photo, 
Money box, 
Bow, 
Arrow, 
Stable, 
Table, 
Scissors,
Trousers,
Tablets, 
Tablet box,
Medication,
Work, 
Hell,
Section,
136
135
2
3
4
5(2)
5(4)
T3
T2
666, 
Devil, 
Damian, 
Night nurse,
Paracetamol,
Dr who, 
T.A.R.D.I.S
Spacer,
Nebuliser,
Stabiliser,
Bike,
Unicycle,
Bath,
Sink, 
Cluedo

My mind is not staying in one place. It has been one of those days. At least the random thoughts and words are distracting me to a fantastical level!

Thursday, 10 October 2013

It is the simple things...

Nowadays it is most certainly the simple things that put a smile on my face. This is a good thing as I am still finding it pretty hard to deal with the whirlwind in my head. Anyway, back to the simple things... This was posted on a friends facebook page and it made a little smile appear (and a song stuck in my head):

Add "jump" in front of each number and you have got it!


Thank you for this :)



Tuesday, 8 October 2013

The sun is shining... But the builders are still at it!

Sadly the guy next door moved out after a lot going on for him. This has resulted in builders moving in. They are the only builders I know that start bang on half 8 of a morning, and go on til half 5. They don't even take a break as it is a constant bang after bang after drill and bang. Not helpful when you have a banging head ache.

Back in go the ear phones!

Monday, 7 October 2013

Today is a Latter day...

Okay, so I went with the Mrs the other week to see the West End show, The Book of Mormon. I have had songs from it stuck in my head all day. I would suggest looking some of them up on Youtube but you need to watch the show to gain some context on the songs, otherwise they could be misunderstood, drastically misunderstood!

Anyway. Today has been a strange one. My mind cannot make up whether my mood is up or down, left of right etc ( you get the picture). My GP is awesome. She rings most days to make sure I am okay. Never before have I had such amazing medical input. She is just a genuinely nice person; her sole interest is in her patients, not the money. My consultant is the same as well. I received a lovely review letter from him, he came across as so lovely, gentle and polite. Also very informal. I just have awesome medics at the moment, truly blessed in that way; after so many years of crappy doctors who are clearly in it for the money, and working with many of the same disposition, it makes a change to see genuine caring doctors out there. I especially appreciate them more than ever as I went into status epilepticus last sunday - scary times. First time in 4 years that has happened, and I hope it is the last.

Slight side step there. I just realized how much I appreciate my medical team at the moment. And my wife. She has been my rock these last few crappy weeks (well last 5 years but that goes without saying!) If it weren't for her then I would probably be dead, if not through seizures then of my own doing due to my fits. Vicious cycle. Although through process of elimination my GP, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that it is my medication that is causing me to spiral in and out of depressive episodes. The sooner that I can come off of them the better. This is a constant back and fourth 'discussion' often had between me and the medics.

Back to the medics again. Sorry. My mind has been wondering a lot recently. I am finding it hard to concentrate of more then one thing at a time. Typing is like trying to type with 3D glasses or beer goggles on. Thinking is like a small child trying to put a triangle block in a circle shaped hole... amusing yet hard. Seeing is also equally difficult. Thanks to the seizures my eye sight has significantly decreased. I had my eyes tested and the out come wasn't great - and nor was my bank balance afterwards. £180 on one pair of okay glasses. Shocking. However a week and a half later I am still awaiting for them to be made so I can start and see clearly ( now the rain has gone - sorry I did say I get distracted easily). 

My coordination has also gone to pot. I have tried things to improve this. I tried yoga and fell on my face. I tried Poi, and that was going well until I kept whacking myself with them as my sense of balance and coordination just went out the door. Any suggestions would be mostly welcomed at this time. I am due to return to work on Wednesday so I need to get this thing down by then.

Anyway, I am going as my head is going off in a completely random direction and trying to type whilst watching the Simpsons is equally distracting.

Peace Out


(P.S any suggestions on how to improve things would genuinely be appreciated - seriously!)

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Life is like a web - Takes hard work to build but takes one swat to destroy it.

Depressing title I know. This is where things are at for me at the moment.

My epilepsy is getting the better of me again, and it is really taking its toll on me mentally. I am just so lucky to have amazing friends and wife to get me through this really crap time. I know there are people out there all over the world that are in a far worse position than I; however I find it hard to see past the mental block and blip that I am going through at the moment. I appreciate how selfish this is, and it just adds guilt to the whirlwind of my head. Arrrrgh!

I have tried many things. Most of the things recently have included practicing what I preach, and that shows how desperate I am as my ode is "Do as I say, not as I do!". I tried repetative things, which strangely works. I also have tried things to regain my sense of coordination; not going to lie it has gone to pot recently. I tried Poi for this (if you have not tried it, do! It is amazing fun). This was going well until I smacked myself with them a few times. Warning - it does hurt, but you do get used to it eventually! This was advice I took from a great friend and I am glad that she re-introduced them to me.

Any way, I am rambling, and could keep going but I am tired and need to off load stuff onto a pillow. Literally.

Night

Thursday, 19 September 2013

"Two large masses could be tumors"... or breasts?!

What a hell of a couple of months. I am fully aware that my poor blog has been neglected but I have plenty of excuses for that, both good and bad.

I shall list my excuses bellow :


  • I finally got married (well civilly partnered to be precise, but we wont argue over terms). It was such an amazing day with our nearest and dearest there. We were gutted that some people couldn't make it but we know they were there with us in mind. The weather was beautiful, glorious sunshine and the temperature maxed at 27 0C which was a bonus. We were also blessed with such generous gifts which means we can finally go snow boarding (one I can find some insurance).

  • My seizures are being a pain in the arse. I was doing so well with them for a while, and things were finally starting to actually get better. That was until the season of colds, chest infections and flu came into action. My body cannot deal with in the slightest amount of infection without going into a full body popping session. These has resulted in further increase in unwanted medication and further drain on my mental ability to deal with it. Many times over the last few weeks I have wished that I feel asleep and didn't wake up so I didn't have to deal with it. However after seeking support I am slowly starting to get a grasp on this whole dealing with it thing. better late then never right?

  • Work! I am finally back at work (almost) and that has taken a lot out of me. I moan and groan but actually I am so glad to be back, to have purpose back in my life. Granted I am stuck to office and admin rolls but I know I am safe there. I have a good team who look out for me, and have been so supportive that I have been so lucky. They are an amazing, all but fecking crazy, bunch, and you know what, I am realising that I really want to stick with them, illness and craziness and all.

Well that pretty much sums up why I have let things slip. On a slightly random note, if anyone has any suggestions on:
  • How to get your head around the new iOS7 and how to change your voicemail message
  • Where to find support on epilepsy services of support in your local area (have already tried the well known charities.
  • How you deal with your seizures (personal stories etc).
Many thanks and peace out

Sunday, 21 July 2013

One onomatopoeia ....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think that about sums it up really - and it is only 10:10 am. Not bad really to say I had a bad night. A night of various dreams that were in no way nice or welcomed. Dreams about fights, fall outs, arguments, break up's, head aches, death, seizures, body issues and much more. Now you don't really need to be able to analyze dreams to work this one out, and for those who are, please refrain from doing so (or at least if you do don't tell me about it). Quite a change from before I went to bed.

The head aches are back as well, which is never a good sign for me. Usually means seizures are just around a sharp corner - the type of corner you can misjudge if you are not paying much attention to that around you. One of these days I may learn... we shall see.

I think it is time to go for a walk and get some fresh air, maybe that may sort things out.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

That sudden realisation that...

... You have become an adult. Not in the traditional sense (as those who know me know that I am far from the socially accepted form of 'adult') but in the sense that I, the person who still feels like a 17 year old, is getting married this year. Well, in a few weeks.

Whilst making balloon weights and thinking about the small things that are left to organise for 'the big day', I was hit by this huge wave of realisation that I am an adult, a grown up, doing grown up things, in a grown up world. Granted I am still going to dance around the house in a sponge bob t-shirt, eat loads of things I shouldn't, watch kids cartoons and spend hours playing games, that is a given; but my views of the world, of my direction in life, of myself, have all suddenly changed. And for the good... I think.

Granted I am getting married, and today that hit me like a punch bag (again, in a good way!); but the other half bought up the topic of children the other week, and it has triggered a series of sleepless nights dreaming about what it would be like. Something which I had only ever thought about in my sleep. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you in a heart beat how I have always said out right no to kids. This, however, has changed some what. Maybe it is because of the mood I am in today, the reflective mood where I take a good look at my life and the direction of the journey it is taking. But the more I think about it, having my own little family, I like it... I like it a lot.

God knows it is a scary thought, and the thought of being a parent is a terrifying one. Normally made up of thoughts of "what if I turned out like..." and "god, what if my kids hated me" amongst other thoughts. Talking to friends of mine who have recently had children, they said these were all the thoughts they had when they became new parents. When asked "how do you know what to do?" Their reply was simple, and one that I like "You just wing it and hope for the best". Magical.

I have many other fears about children. If we were to go down the route of IVF (or IUI to be precise), who would carry, who's eggs would we use? what if I carried and they were my eggs, would the child end up with my ailments? would that be a moral thing to do?

So many questions that are buzzing around in my head right now. It is all a lot to take in at present. It is kind of fun (in a weird sort of only a me could find fun) in a way. Scary, I do not this deny this, but fun. I know I am starting a journey in to the unknown with my partner, but the scare adds to the  thrill. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens... And just 'wing it' when we get there

Peace out

Monday, 15 July 2013

Yay, finally it has happened!

After long debates, people trying to put spanners in the works, protests on both sides; today, after a long battle, Gay Marriage in the UK has finally been passed through the last stages of the House of Lords. Hurrah!

At long last the politicians are starting to get with the times! Still a lot of work needs doing to change so many things for so many people. But for now I will settle for this huge achieve and advancement made today. Thank you Stonewall and the various other charities that have been lobbying to get this passed. THANK YOU!!!






Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Time for change!

It is such an over used phrase... "It is time for change!" However, after a prolonged period of self loathing I have decided to take action and get things back on track.

Today I have made several enquires into clubs and activities that I used to love doing. I have signed up to the Quit Smoking campaign run by the NHS. Spent some of the day doing weights (if a chipped index finger joint may I add!)

What else have I achieved today? Hmm. Not really sure. I think that is about it. To be fair, it is more then I achieve most days, and it is the first step to getting myself sorted right?

Now just to wait for Friday. I find out whether I am to return to work, or rather when I can return to work. I also find out whether I am owed back pay for the massive cock up made by pay roll. Maybe I may win the lottery as well whilst I am at it. Then Saturday I am spending the day at an archery shop for the better half's birthday. Sounds boring but am rather looking forward to it. Spending a day shooting sharp objects as a target that I can pretend to be anyone... sounds like a hoot if you ask me! Which reminds me, Birthday Cards!!! Must not forget to do that this week. Mental note made!

Anywho, I am off for an early night with a cup of hot chocolate and a little sneak peak into Stephen Fry's life (reading his Autobiography at the moment. Enlightening to say the least!)

Peace out.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

The Calm after the Storm

Today is a new day. Having got over the emotional turmoil that has been the last week I woke this morning with a new perspective on things. After some accounting with the better half and working out outgoings, I am surprisingly looking forward to living the simple life for a while. Things like living by candle light in the evenings; eating like a student (to be fair this will do me good, due to the medications I have been put on I have put on a lot of weight, so this will work wonders for the waist line!); Showering and bathing by candle light; reading a listening to music rather then using stupid amounts of power to watch TV/playing PC games. I think I can do that for a few weeks. Even may start taking walks and spending time in the garden (providing I can actually get past the door due to the swarm of bees still insistent on dive bombing us when ever we attempt to get to the garden). There are many things I can do to occupy ones self with out the need of money. I will also be trying very hard to quit smoking as the cost of that alone is a small fortune!

At least this is what I am telling myself. The positivity may just be coming from the fact that the sun is shining very brightly and the washing is on the line. Van Morrison on in the back ground may also be helping. Thank god for credit cards as well. Thanks to having paid off most my cards, I had a few pennies left over which meant I could get the last little bits sorted for the wedding. Further to being thankful for credit cards, I am also thankful for the likes of eBay and Amazon. Wedding rings and helium bought for less then £30. Bonus I reckon. Also, thankful for friends who are crafty - I mean that in the sense of being good at making things and having things to hand that I no longer have. Not in the pinching things sense. I also have managed to secure a cake stand for the big day and have also finally come to an agreement with the better half on how the cake is going to be presented and what cake we are having.... Finally!

All that is left to do now is actually turn up on the day. Oh and tell the parents what is actually happening on the day. This is where things go wrong, but I shall deal with that when I come to it.Oh, and to work out a way to make balloon weights for free as refuse on principal to buy them. On further positive notes and returning to the dull repeats of medication and epilepsy, I have been a period without seizures, which means that I may be able to return to work far sooner then initially anticipated. This has various bonuses to it, the main one being paid. The second to cure boredom.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get into the garden to try and come up with a way to make balloon weights with what we have. Any ideas are welcomed.

Peace out


Thursday, 27 June 2013

Cannot catch a break today!

Seriously, I really cannot catch a break today.



I will start from the beginning. I woke up this morning and checked my bank balance to see if I had been paid. Instead I found out that I had indeed not been paid, instead had had a load of money taken out of my account (bills, rent etc) leaving me overdrawn in an account that I do not have an over draft for.

Then started all the phones calls....Pay roll, HR, Union, Manager, Union, HR, Union, Manager... It went on for ages. The only helpful party being the sympathetic women on the end of the phone at the Union. Between the sobs of despair and lighting many cigarettes I finally calmed down enough to venture out to the bank, in a vain attempt at trying to reverse the ridiculous charges they were adding to my account, and to also put in the ridiculous amount of 1 and 2p's I had accumulated... This did not go well. All I can say is that the obnoxious, jumped up, suit wearing, smug, big eye browed, huge nosed, pretentious toss pot who was sat behind the thick glass was lucky that the thick glass was there. I could go on with this story but my blood is boiling as I think about it. Long story short, my attempts with Natwest of success were limited. Again, luckily for the smug twit there was a huge pane of glass in the way. I then, on my walk home from Natwest, planned in my head quite vividly how I was going to take down Natwest one by one. Then realised that the debt problem wouldn't going away, it would be deferred to the RBS. So I started to think, and plan, how to take them down at the same time. It was at this point my better half pointed out (i'm guessing in a sarcastic manner as i'm not sure as to what extent she humors me when I go on these rants) that if I were to take down the RBS, Scotland would be screwed in its attempts for independence as it would not be financially viable as their main bank would be no more... You win some you lose some.

The day continued with various phone calls from various people, all repeating the same, well versed lines of "We are sorry that this has happened, we will investigate, but in the mean time you will be left without any money as we are all jumped up office workers who get over paid for doing sweet F-A as a computer does all the work for us". Makes me so mad!

I would continue to rant and vent, but the more I do the more it makes my blood boil and I am getting a head ache from crying with anger. Cannot wait for the better half to get home so I can just have a hug. I know to many this whole entry doesn't seem a big thing; but after months of being ill and battling with various people, it has been the straw the broke the camels back as they say. Just not sure how much more smiling I can do before I put a chelsea smile on someone else's face (my money is on the smug twit at Natwest!)

Anger out!


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

3 years ago

3 years ago today, I lost someone amazing from my life. My Grandad. He waited until he had opened his birthday cards, waited for both me and my mother to be out of the room, then he peacefully went. In a space of 15 minutes my life turned upside down. 

This is my little tribute to him. I know he would not approve of some of my life choices, however I know he would have been proud of what I have achieved. He was so supportive through a tough time in my life, and the more time I spent with him (I lived with him for a few years) the more we became closer, and became friends. Through this time I found out so much about him, his life, and so much more.

What I am trying to say is that I am so grateful for having him in my life. So many people do not get the chance to grow up with grandparents. Him and my Nan taught me and my brother so much over the years that they are responsible for the people we have turned out today. 

I hope you're up there with Nan, having a bottle of whiskey and an old holborn rolley on the go, putting the world to rights.

Miss you and love you loads.

Sleep tight 

x

" In the summer time, when the weather is high"

You can stretch right up and touch the sky!

The sun is out (intermittently) but it is warm. The weather really does affect your mood. Fair one, I did want to destroy the world this morning, but that passed when I saw the sun and took a walk to the shop.

Positive mental attitude and all that.

I often find that my thoughts wonder (as they are at present) and I had been watching something about illusions and had had a discussion the night before with the better half about the prospect of having parallel/alternative universes that have the same people but different lives so to speak. This then lead me to ponder whether life, as we know it, is an illusion. I have this thought of us (humanity, live etc) as being a game of sims. Kinda like a Sim-ception (We play Sims and control an other world, they can do the same and so on and so forth). What is to say (other then science, this is just the random ramblings inside my ever increasing worryingly distorted mind) that this is not a viable possibility; What is to say that I am indeed being instructed by some teenage girl sat at her PC controlling me to use my laptop, watch TV, go to the shops, go take a shower etc. And then what is to say that there is not someone doing the same to her? This could go on. My point is two fold really...Firstly, if you haven't already realised by now, I am verging on pure insanity, or genius, either could work. Secondly... What if the concept of parallel universes and/or being controlled like a game of sims where to be accurate (this is all hypothetical of course). However I think the second point is closely related to the first point, in which case my sole point was that I am random and my mind often goes in multiple directions all at once and convening in some random, hypothetical place where dreams and parallel universes are completely rational thoughts as to why there is a constant swam of bee's out side our bak door.

That is another point... We can no longer go out the back door as we get dive bombed by bee's. And I am not on about the little cute honey bee's. No these are the massive bee's with army boots on, sound like army helicopters and have AK-47s attached to there tails. Another digression, but there are many theories that if the bee's died out, humanity would follow suite... which leads me back to my first ramblings of being controlled. What if the Bee's act as like the CPU of our universe that is being directed by another being in an outer universe... No real point to be made, just one of insanity.

If you have read all this and are not rocking in a corner, I salute you. I also kindly request that you do not call your local mental health team and request a Mental Health Act assessment on me as I am actually quite a rational and logical, science loving person. I just get a little crazy at times in my though patterns and curiosity. Besides... being normal is boring. FACT!

Any way.

Peace out.




Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Some times you just have to hold your hands up...

... and resist the urge to strangle something/some one.

Things I have learnt today:

1) Twitter is annoying, confusing and hard to follow as nothing forms a proper sentence. for example, #having#this#infront#of#everything. #Annoying. #Fedup #Musttelltheworld! Getting the point?

2) In addition to the above, people who use 'hash tags' designed for the use on twitter, on Facebook, are equally annoying.

3) People instantly presume that there will be a free bar at our wedding... Our reception is in a pub... No pub would have a free bar. If one more person asks me this questions I may just cover them in chum and throw them to a group of sharks.

4) Tony Hawks Project 8 game for PS3 is frustratingly hard once you have done all the easy challenges. (Yes this is logical but there appears a huge step from the easy challenges to the moderately difficult).

5) I drink far too much tea and spend too much time smoking. I blame this on boredom.

6) My new anti-epileptic medication have caused me to put on so much weight that was really unneeded at the moment.

7) Having absence seizures whilst playing a PS3 game is the most confusing and frustrating thing, especially when you were about to hit a top score.

8) Attempting to contact the people in charge of DLA is near impossible and equally as infuriating as the previous posts.

9) My future mother-in-law and her sister are mean when they pair up.

10) Further to the above, having a taste of your own medicine (sarcasm and pranks) it bitter.

11) I like lists. Fact.

12) I spend too much time watching american TV series.

13) Putting yourself in a situation where you could potentially lose one job and not gain another may not have been the best move. Future thought is needed when making career choices.

14) My partner is truly amazing.

15) I have learnt a lot today.

16) Blogging makes me feel better, even if no one is listening/reading. A problem aired is a problem shared (or something like that).

17) Pictures of cute kittens and being addicted to sites such as Reddit, Imgur, 9GAG etc makes things a little easier to get through the day.

18) Being Lactose Intolerant sucks when all you are craving is a big ol' wedge of extra mature cheddar followed by an equally large portion of Bourson on crackers.

19) Queen Bee's are huge and scary and make me scream like a little girl when they chase me back into the flat.

20) I like lists.

21) I need hugs. I miss all my friends. 

22) I have a lot of crazy, not just a little bit of crazy, that I need to deal with in order to try claim back some small hope of what ever sanity I had before I got signed off work.

23) I have to carry on for another two points as I can only have things in multiples of three's or fives (yes I am crazy!)

24) Our cat is bordering on having a Personality Disorder - she always seeks attention and does it in forms of great manipulation.

25) I love multiples of five.

Ah, that feels better. You know, in the future I might actually blog about something interesting. For now it seems that I will be using this space to off load some of the crazy in my head. Thank you for reading and enduring the ramblings that come from superficially within... if I were to delve deep then I would most certainly end up detained on a section of the Mental Health Act.

Peace out.

Just when things are going right....

...A spanner appears. In the form of a phone call from a GP. I was hoping that this was the week that I would finally be able to return to work and get back into the swing of things. Instead I got signed off for another month. Not what I wanted/expected. 

I really started to think that things were on the up. I know it is a minor set back, and I completely understand why they are not letting me back to work, however it does not make it any easier. I guess it gives me more time to get things sorted and get prepared for returning to the hectic world. Silver lining and all that I guess.

I think I am going to get back to listening to "Now That's What I Call Disney!". Vain attempt as trying to inject some colour back in to my day.

Monday, 17 June 2013

If life was like a fairy tale....

...It would be full of soppy story lines, a ridiculously thin yet still beautiful princess and some form of darkness. So scrap that.

The last few days have been very mixed. A mix of vivid thoughts, a whirlwind of emotions and a bombardment of random questions from the Mrs. which all started with the typical two year old curiosity "Why???" This is then followed by some of the most random questions I have heard for a long time. For example "Why do birds tweet, and cat's meow. Why don't they all make the same noise?". This is from an almost 26 year old... The mind boggles sometimes. This, by the way, went on for hours!

I have had a lot of time to mull things over, seeing as I spend most the time sat starring into space. Most of the time my thoughts are spent pondering where I will be in five years time. Other times it is freaking out about one of the hundreds of things going on for me at the moment. Which ever one it is, it always leads me into a very random and curious little world. A world where colours are vibrant, 'bad' is dull and 'good' is magical. A world where the bad people are in a dungeon and Doctor Who exists. The Doctor Who thoughts then digress into the TARDIS turning up on my door step, Doctor Who popping out and offering me the vacant post of his companion. As I said... my head is filled with random. I'm not sure whether it is a result of the anti-convulsant medications, a weird sleep patterns, the seizures messing with my logic processors or the fact that I sit and watch far too much television program re-runs. What ever the answer, it beats reality at the moment, so I think I will stay there a little while longer, if no one has any objections to that.

On a less random, and reality note, the Mrs went for a job interview on Friday, and came out convinced that it was the worse thing she had ever done and that she was a 100% that she would have never had got it. I then formed a plan with her sister to take her shopping for wedding bits (I figured she was out and having a bad day so it wasn't going to get any better so why not just throw her in the deep end?!). Anyway, I digress again. When she got home she had to pop out again, and when she did she was not in the best moods (the bad interview, shopping...keep up). Whilst out she got this magical little phone call saying that she had got the job. This is immense on so many levels. It now means no 4 hours commuting to and from London. No more spending £200 on travel each month. No more getting back at 10pm having left at 6am. No more having to worry about if I have a fit she can't get home as she will only be a 10 minute walk away. Things are looking up on that front. 

Things may also be looking up for me on the job front. But shhhh, it will have to wait until I know a little more before I tell the world. Don't want to get my hopes up. However, I do need to get my seizures back under control before the doctors and other powers that be will even think about letting me return to work, which sucks as I am so BORED!!! Hence the going into my own little world (see it is all linked, even if it is all linked ramblings).

Anyway, I probably should stop now as I realise the extent at to which I have been rambling.

One final note: "Only a Ginger can call another Ginger, Ginger!" - Tim Minchin

Peace out.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Out of the bed and into every day clothes....

So I am starting to get over the self pitying stage and starting to come to terms with the fact that my seizures are probably going to stick around for a while, but have also restored some small faith in medication.

the last week has been filled with fears around mine and my partners job security but things are looking up. Most of the invitations for the wedding have been done. Just need to be sent, so am now making a spotify playlist for the reception so we have something to kill the awkward silence that there may be between people arriving and the band playing. Singing at the top of your voice to party classics is the best cure for feeling down in the dumps. Can't believe I didn't do this sooner to be honest. The one downside to spotify is the adverts. Just as you get into the swing of songs BOOM, an unwanted advert pops up at full volume. Ah well. There are worse things in life I guess.

I just need to collect rocks as well. Well, oversized pebbles to be precise. For balloon weights, as I refuse to by them on principle. A rock creatively wrapped in tissue paper works just as well I think. Saving pennies here and there makes a huge difference!

Anywho, back to singing my heart out to Mika and Queen I go!


Peace out!