Saturday, 20 July 2013

That sudden realisation that...

... You have become an adult. Not in the traditional sense (as those who know me know that I am far from the socially accepted form of 'adult') but in the sense that I, the person who still feels like a 17 year old, is getting married this year. Well, in a few weeks.

Whilst making balloon weights and thinking about the small things that are left to organise for 'the big day', I was hit by this huge wave of realisation that I am an adult, a grown up, doing grown up things, in a grown up world. Granted I am still going to dance around the house in a sponge bob t-shirt, eat loads of things I shouldn't, watch kids cartoons and spend hours playing games, that is a given; but my views of the world, of my direction in life, of myself, have all suddenly changed. And for the good... I think.

Granted I am getting married, and today that hit me like a punch bag (again, in a good way!); but the other half bought up the topic of children the other week, and it has triggered a series of sleepless nights dreaming about what it would be like. Something which I had only ever thought about in my sleep. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you in a heart beat how I have always said out right no to kids. This, however, has changed some what. Maybe it is because of the mood I am in today, the reflective mood where I take a good look at my life and the direction of the journey it is taking. But the more I think about it, having my own little family, I like it... I like it a lot.

God knows it is a scary thought, and the thought of being a parent is a terrifying one. Normally made up of thoughts of "what if I turned out like..." and "god, what if my kids hated me" amongst other thoughts. Talking to friends of mine who have recently had children, they said these were all the thoughts they had when they became new parents. When asked "how do you know what to do?" Their reply was simple, and one that I like "You just wing it and hope for the best". Magical.

I have many other fears about children. If we were to go down the route of IVF (or IUI to be precise), who would carry, who's eggs would we use? what if I carried and they were my eggs, would the child end up with my ailments? would that be a moral thing to do?

So many questions that are buzzing around in my head right now. It is all a lot to take in at present. It is kind of fun (in a weird sort of only a me could find fun) in a way. Scary, I do not this deny this, but fun. I know I am starting a journey in to the unknown with my partner, but the scare adds to the  thrill. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens... And just 'wing it' when we get there

Peace out

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