Saturday, 29 June 2013

The Calm after the Storm

Today is a new day. Having got over the emotional turmoil that has been the last week I woke this morning with a new perspective on things. After some accounting with the better half and working out outgoings, I am surprisingly looking forward to living the simple life for a while. Things like living by candle light in the evenings; eating like a student (to be fair this will do me good, due to the medications I have been put on I have put on a lot of weight, so this will work wonders for the waist line!); Showering and bathing by candle light; reading a listening to music rather then using stupid amounts of power to watch TV/playing PC games. I think I can do that for a few weeks. Even may start taking walks and spending time in the garden (providing I can actually get past the door due to the swarm of bees still insistent on dive bombing us when ever we attempt to get to the garden). There are many things I can do to occupy ones self with out the need of money. I will also be trying very hard to quit smoking as the cost of that alone is a small fortune!

At least this is what I am telling myself. The positivity may just be coming from the fact that the sun is shining very brightly and the washing is on the line. Van Morrison on in the back ground may also be helping. Thank god for credit cards as well. Thanks to having paid off most my cards, I had a few pennies left over which meant I could get the last little bits sorted for the wedding. Further to being thankful for credit cards, I am also thankful for the likes of eBay and Amazon. Wedding rings and helium bought for less then £30. Bonus I reckon. Also, thankful for friends who are crafty - I mean that in the sense of being good at making things and having things to hand that I no longer have. Not in the pinching things sense. I also have managed to secure a cake stand for the big day and have also finally come to an agreement with the better half on how the cake is going to be presented and what cake we are having.... Finally!

All that is left to do now is actually turn up on the day. Oh and tell the parents what is actually happening on the day. This is where things go wrong, but I shall deal with that when I come to it.Oh, and to work out a way to make balloon weights for free as refuse on principal to buy them. On further positive notes and returning to the dull repeats of medication and epilepsy, I have been a period without seizures, which means that I may be able to return to work far sooner then initially anticipated. This has various bonuses to it, the main one being paid. The second to cure boredom.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get into the garden to try and come up with a way to make balloon weights with what we have. Any ideas are welcomed.

Peace out

Thursday, 27 June 2013

Cannot catch a break today!

Seriously, I really cannot catch a break today.

I will start from the beginning. I woke up this morning and checked my bank balance to see if I had been paid. Instead I found out that I had indeed not been paid, instead had had a load of money taken out of my account (bills, rent etc) leaving me overdrawn in an account that I do not have an over draft for.

Then started all the phones calls....Pay roll, HR, Union, Manager, Union, HR, Union, Manager... It went on for ages. The only helpful party being the sympathetic women on the end of the phone at the Union. Between the sobs of despair and lighting many cigarettes I finally calmed down enough to venture out to the bank, in a vain attempt at trying to reverse the ridiculous charges they were adding to my account, and to also put in the ridiculous amount of 1 and 2p's I had accumulated... This did not go well. All I can say is that the obnoxious, jumped up, suit wearing, smug, big eye browed, huge nosed, pretentious toss pot who was sat behind the thick glass was lucky that the thick glass was there. I could go on with this story but my blood is boiling as I think about it. Long story short, my attempts with Natwest of success were limited. Again, luckily for the smug twit there was a huge pane of glass in the way. I then, on my walk home from Natwest, planned in my head quite vividly how I was going to take down Natwest one by one. Then realised that the debt problem wouldn't going away, it would be deferred to the RBS. So I started to think, and plan, how to take them down at the same time. It was at this point my better half pointed out (i'm guessing in a sarcastic manner as i'm not sure as to what extent she humors me when I go on these rants) that if I were to take down the RBS, Scotland would be screwed in its attempts for independence as it would not be financially viable as their main bank would be no more... You win some you lose some.

The day continued with various phone calls from various people, all repeating the same, well versed lines of "We are sorry that this has happened, we will investigate, but in the mean time you will be left without any money as we are all jumped up office workers who get over paid for doing sweet F-A as a computer does all the work for us". Makes me so mad!

I would continue to rant and vent, but the more I do the more it makes my blood boil and I am getting a head ache from crying with anger. Cannot wait for the better half to get home so I can just have a hug. I know to many this whole entry doesn't seem a big thing; but after months of being ill and battling with various people, it has been the straw the broke the camels back as they say. Just not sure how much more smiling I can do before I put a chelsea smile on someone else's face (my money is on the smug twit at Natwest!)

Anger out!

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

3 years ago

3 years ago today, I lost someone amazing from my life. My Grandad. He waited until he had opened his birthday cards, waited for both me and my mother to be out of the room, then he peacefully went. In a space of 15 minutes my life turned upside down. 

This is my little tribute to him. I know he would not approve of some of my life choices, however I know he would have been proud of what I have achieved. He was so supportive through a tough time in my life, and the more time I spent with him (I lived with him for a few years) the more we became closer, and became friends. Through this time I found out so much about him, his life, and so much more.

What I am trying to say is that I am so grateful for having him in my life. So many people do not get the chance to grow up with grandparents. Him and my Nan taught me and my brother so much over the years that they are responsible for the people we have turned out today. 

I hope you're up there with Nan, having a bottle of whiskey and an old holborn rolley on the go, putting the world to rights.

Miss you and love you loads.

Sleep tight 


" In the summer time, when the weather is high"

You can stretch right up and touch the sky!

The sun is out (intermittently) but it is warm. The weather really does affect your mood. Fair one, I did want to destroy the world this morning, but that passed when I saw the sun and took a walk to the shop.

Positive mental attitude and all that.

I often find that my thoughts wonder (as they are at present) and I had been watching something about illusions and had had a discussion the night before with the better half about the prospect of having parallel/alternative universes that have the same people but different lives so to speak. This then lead me to ponder whether life, as we know it, is an illusion. I have this thought of us (humanity, live etc) as being a game of sims. Kinda like a Sim-ception (We play Sims and control an other world, they can do the same and so on and so forth). What is to say (other then science, this is just the random ramblings inside my ever increasing worryingly distorted mind) that this is not a viable possibility; What is to say that I am indeed being instructed by some teenage girl sat at her PC controlling me to use my laptop, watch TV, go to the shops, go take a shower etc. And then what is to say that there is not someone doing the same to her? This could go on. My point is two fold really...Firstly, if you haven't already realised by now, I am verging on pure insanity, or genius, either could work. Secondly... What if the concept of parallel universes and/or being controlled like a game of sims where to be accurate (this is all hypothetical of course). However I think the second point is closely related to the first point, in which case my sole point was that I am random and my mind often goes in multiple directions all at once and convening in some random, hypothetical place where dreams and parallel universes are completely rational thoughts as to why there is a constant swam of bee's out side our bak door.

That is another point... We can no longer go out the back door as we get dive bombed by bee's. And I am not on about the little cute honey bee's. No these are the massive bee's with army boots on, sound like army helicopters and have AK-47s attached to there tails. Another digression, but there are many theories that if the bee's died out, humanity would follow suite... which leads me back to my first ramblings of being controlled. What if the Bee's act as like the CPU of our universe that is being directed by another being in an outer universe... No real point to be made, just one of insanity.

If you have read all this and are not rocking in a corner, I salute you. I also kindly request that you do not call your local mental health team and request a Mental Health Act assessment on me as I am actually quite a rational and logical, science loving person. I just get a little crazy at times in my though patterns and curiosity. Besides... being normal is boring. FACT!

Any way.

Peace out.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Some times you just have to hold your hands up...

... and resist the urge to strangle something/some one.

Things I have learnt today:

1) Twitter is annoying, confusing and hard to follow as nothing forms a proper sentence. for example, #having#this#infront#of#everything. #Annoying. #Fedup #Musttelltheworld! Getting the point?

2) In addition to the above, people who use 'hash tags' designed for the use on twitter, on Facebook, are equally annoying.

3) People instantly presume that there will be a free bar at our wedding... Our reception is in a pub... No pub would have a free bar. If one more person asks me this questions I may just cover them in chum and throw them to a group of sharks.

4) Tony Hawks Project 8 game for PS3 is frustratingly hard once you have done all the easy challenges. (Yes this is logical but there appears a huge step from the easy challenges to the moderately difficult).

5) I drink far too much tea and spend too much time smoking. I blame this on boredom.

6) My new anti-epileptic medication have caused me to put on so much weight that was really unneeded at the moment.

7) Having absence seizures whilst playing a PS3 game is the most confusing and frustrating thing, especially when you were about to hit a top score.

8) Attempting to contact the people in charge of DLA is near impossible and equally as infuriating as the previous posts.

9) My future mother-in-law and her sister are mean when they pair up.

10) Further to the above, having a taste of your own medicine (sarcasm and pranks) it bitter.

11) I like lists. Fact.

12) I spend too much time watching american TV series.

13) Putting yourself in a situation where you could potentially lose one job and not gain another may not have been the best move. Future thought is needed when making career choices.

14) My partner is truly amazing.

15) I have learnt a lot today.

16) Blogging makes me feel better, even if no one is listening/reading. A problem aired is a problem shared (or something like that).

17) Pictures of cute kittens and being addicted to sites such as Reddit, Imgur, 9GAG etc makes things a little easier to get through the day.

18) Being Lactose Intolerant sucks when all you are craving is a big ol' wedge of extra mature cheddar followed by an equally large portion of Bourson on crackers.

19) Queen Bee's are huge and scary and make me scream like a little girl when they chase me back into the flat.

20) I like lists.

21) I need hugs. I miss all my friends. 

22) I have a lot of crazy, not just a little bit of crazy, that I need to deal with in order to try claim back some small hope of what ever sanity I had before I got signed off work.

23) I have to carry on for another two points as I can only have things in multiples of three's or fives (yes I am crazy!)

24) Our cat is bordering on having a Personality Disorder - she always seeks attention and does it in forms of great manipulation.

25) I love multiples of five.

Ah, that feels better. You know, in the future I might actually blog about something interesting. For now it seems that I will be using this space to off load some of the crazy in my head. Thank you for reading and enduring the ramblings that come from superficially within... if I were to delve deep then I would most certainly end up detained on a section of the Mental Health Act.

Peace out.

Just when things are going right....

...A spanner appears. In the form of a phone call from a GP. I was hoping that this was the week that I would finally be able to return to work and get back into the swing of things. Instead I got signed off for another month. Not what I wanted/expected. 

I really started to think that things were on the up. I know it is a minor set back, and I completely understand why they are not letting me back to work, however it does not make it any easier. I guess it gives me more time to get things sorted and get prepared for returning to the hectic world. Silver lining and all that I guess.

I think I am going to get back to listening to "Now That's What I Call Disney!". Vain attempt as trying to inject some colour back in to my day.

Monday, 17 June 2013

If life was like a fairy tale....

...It would be full of soppy story lines, a ridiculously thin yet still beautiful princess and some form of darkness. So scrap that.

The last few days have been very mixed. A mix of vivid thoughts, a whirlwind of emotions and a bombardment of random questions from the Mrs. which all started with the typical two year old curiosity "Why???" This is then followed by some of the most random questions I have heard for a long time. For example "Why do birds tweet, and cat's meow. Why don't they all make the same noise?". This is from an almost 26 year old... The mind boggles sometimes. This, by the way, went on for hours!

I have had a lot of time to mull things over, seeing as I spend most the time sat starring into space. Most of the time my thoughts are spent pondering where I will be in five years time. Other times it is freaking out about one of the hundreds of things going on for me at the moment. Which ever one it is, it always leads me into a very random and curious little world. A world where colours are vibrant, 'bad' is dull and 'good' is magical. A world where the bad people are in a dungeon and Doctor Who exists. The Doctor Who thoughts then digress into the TARDIS turning up on my door step, Doctor Who popping out and offering me the vacant post of his companion. As I said... my head is filled with random. I'm not sure whether it is a result of the anti-convulsant medications, a weird sleep patterns, the seizures messing with my logic processors or the fact that I sit and watch far too much television program re-runs. What ever the answer, it beats reality at the moment, so I think I will stay there a little while longer, if no one has any objections to that.

On a less random, and reality note, the Mrs went for a job interview on Friday, and came out convinced that it was the worse thing she had ever done and that she was a 100% that she would have never had got it. I then formed a plan with her sister to take her shopping for wedding bits (I figured she was out and having a bad day so it wasn't going to get any better so why not just throw her in the deep end?!). Anyway, I digress again. When she got home she had to pop out again, and when she did she was not in the best moods (the bad interview, shopping...keep up). Whilst out she got this magical little phone call saying that she had got the job. This is immense on so many levels. It now means no 4 hours commuting to and from London. No more spending £200 on travel each month. No more getting back at 10pm having left at 6am. No more having to worry about if I have a fit she can't get home as she will only be a 10 minute walk away. Things are looking up on that front. 

Things may also be looking up for me on the job front. But shhhh, it will have to wait until I know a little more before I tell the world. Don't want to get my hopes up. However, I do need to get my seizures back under control before the doctors and other powers that be will even think about letting me return to work, which sucks as I am so BORED!!! Hence the going into my own little world (see it is all linked, even if it is all linked ramblings).

Anyway, I probably should stop now as I realise the extent at to which I have been rambling.

One final note: "Only a Ginger can call another Ginger, Ginger!" - Tim Minchin

Peace out.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Out of the bed and into every day clothes....

So I am starting to get over the self pitying stage and starting to come to terms with the fact that my seizures are probably going to stick around for a while, but have also restored some small faith in medication.

the last week has been filled with fears around mine and my partners job security but things are looking up. Most of the invitations for the wedding have been done. Just need to be sent, so am now making a spotify playlist for the reception so we have something to kill the awkward silence that there may be between people arriving and the band playing. Singing at the top of your voice to party classics is the best cure for feeling down in the dumps. Can't believe I didn't do this sooner to be honest. The one downside to spotify is the adverts. Just as you get into the swing of songs BOOM, an unwanted advert pops up at full volume. Ah well. There are worse things in life I guess.

I just need to collect rocks as well. Well, oversized pebbles to be precise. For balloon weights, as I refuse to by them on principle. A rock creatively wrapped in tissue paper works just as well I think. Saving pennies here and there makes a huge difference!

Anywho, back to singing my heart out to Mika and Queen I go!

Peace out!

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

It's one of 'those' weeks...

It has been very much one of those weeks. Potentially facing a lot of things, and all thanks to one thing....Epilepsy. The sole root of all evil at present!

A few nights ago I had a series of particular bad tonic and tonic-clonic seizures. They lasted for quite a long time, as as a result my partner stayed up all night to support me and basically kept me alive. The next morning when she tried waking me I woke and started absence-ing soon after. The hardest thing I have ever seen is seeing someone you love sobbing because they are being summoned into work when all they want to do is stay home and look after you. The hardest bit was trying to convince my partner that I was not going to die (any time soon) and that I would still be here when she gets home from work. This made me love this human so much more then I already to. I did not think that was possible. The words "I don't want to lose you" bought a huge lump to my throat. I really have found the one person out there who was meant for me. And I couldn't ask for any one better.

After a day of sobbing (both parties guilty on this one), and a day of being baby sat by my very soon to be future sister-in-law, and lots of hugs and tears when my partner got home, things started to feel better. We both slept amazingly that night as well...crying really takes it out of you!

This little rambling is just the start, and I won't bore you with the rest as I don't think I want to recall of it. But the week continues to get ever increasingly crap, and on Friday I find out my fate - employment wise - as to whether I will ever get to work again or have to re-think my career. However to my advantage I get to see Occ.Health before hand so at least I will be going into a meeting well prepared. I can't see it going well though. Seeing how at the moment I am not allowed to cook, go out, bathe/shower etc unless someone is with me.

I can't believe it is only Wednesday.....

Roll on Friday (well okay...Saturday!)

Peace out

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Ding Dong!

I have slipped out of blogging again, i'm useless at keeping this up. Truth be told I have had a bad time the last week or so, so it has been the last thing on my mind. What with the seizures and organising a wedding, it has been a bit manic, filled with various different emotions from both ends of the scale! A few tears have been shed along the way as well.

Even now I am being distracted whilst I write. I have had a day of pixar movies in an attempt to chill out. It has worked to some extent. The sun also helps. It is true what they say, people appear happier when the sun is shinning. Also, another positive of the day is the cat got a clean bill of health from the vets this morning, which proves that she isn't going blind, she is just a fat lazy cat. But we love her none the less.

Anyway, I think I am going to take a walk some where whilst the sun is still shinning, not sure to where though, hopefully my legs will take me some where pretty!

Peace out!