AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That feels better! So many idea's buzzing in my head and not enough ways to get them all out. Planning a wedding (sorry, civil partnership) is so stressful! So many components to it that just make it all the more complicated and expensive and just argh!

I'm stuck between an ever increasing guest list and an ever expanding budget spread sheet. I think it is break time!

RENT! (Part 2)

Although I posted Seasons of Love first, this by far has to be my favourite musical number of all the musicals I love!

Viva! La Vie Boheme!

RENT!

I have two favourite songs from this particular musical. The first being Seasons of Love....the second is soon to follow (Sorry, it's a RENT fueled evening)

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the now the primary focus of your life.”

  ― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

I thought it was a fitting quote to how I am finding things today. Having had a few weeks of pure bombardment of a variety of different things I read a poem earlier today that made me realise that living in the past isn't good; life is too short, and you should live for the now. For too long I have been dwelling on the past; some things will always stick with me, granted, but I can now start to see them in a different light. 

For the first time in years I have been able to talk about my past to someone new in my life without judgement or prejudice, who understands the emotional turmoil that goes with it. Except my partner, I have never done this with anyone. This person has been such an inspiration to me over the last few weeks, and I am so grateful for them being around, and being the amazingly strong person they are. 

I spoke about 'that person' to my partner for ages later in the day, without once feeling an ounce of guilt, remorse, shame, embarrassment or anything. It wasn't until several hours later that I realised I had done that...it was the first time ever. The first time I was able to talk without any form of self-blaming emotions, and you know what? It felt good! 

It may seem like a small achievement to some; some would go as far as saying it isn't an achievement at all. But for me, I feel it is a massive step. So I still refer to things as 'That person' or 'my past' or equivalents, but that is my way of dealing with things. For the small handful of people who know me, know that's who I am. For those who don't know me will have no idea what I am on about and it is probably best that way - well for now anyway, but some day I will be able to talk about things openly. I look forward to that day.

"We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun." - William Glasser

I have Love, I have fun, I have a sense of belonging (at times) and am working towards having the power and freedom to say 'I did and went through this, and am smiling and understand; nothing can take away the past, but only I can change my future'.

Our Cat remembers how to 'Cat'!

That is right, our cat, our stupid, slow, Garfield-like cat who spends the majoirty of the day asleep on the sofa looking sorry for her self, and manipulates you into giving her attention by looking and acting pathetic, has remembered how to cat. After weeks of attempting to coax her outside and be a cat, she braved the scary world of 'Garden' and went on a little adventure. She went looking around the trees, then climbed the trees; then climbed the wall; then attempted to get into our neighbors window (which was shut); then got stuck and couldn't get down; then she attempted to go into our neighbours cat flap, but failed. All in all not a bad first attempt at trying to 'Cat'. (Yes the internet has ruined me!)

Les Miserable cat...

...has suddenly become Ginger the Explorer in one day. However is now out for the count on the bed snoring. So adorable.

Anyway, enough cat talk, as cute as she is I must say. I'm off to watch the last in the series of Doctor Who, something for which I have waited all week to watch. Mainly to prove my theories that I have been coming up with throughout the series as to who 'Clara Oswin Oswald' really is. Watch this space...

"Friends are like Stars: you don't always see them but you know they are shinning bright" - Anon

Friends are truly like stars. Especially when you are in a dark place, they lighten the way for you. And sometimes, although you can't always see them, you know they are there.

As you may have guessed I have been having a roller coaster time at the moment. Epilepsy is playing silly beggars and a lot of changes have happened in my life all at once, and it is starting to become a little too much for one to deal with. Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life to help me deal with these times. Whether it is my partner who is up in the early hours, reassuring me that everything is going to be okay after a seizure; or my friends back up north who I rarely see, but either come to visit or have long conversations on the phone; or an amazing person who has recently walked into my life and stands outside in the piss pouring rain smoking a ciggie with me in the darkest hours of the night. Friends new and old have been by my side recently, and for this I am so blessed. Without them I dread to think where I would be.

Some days, for me at the moment, I feel like this:

Other days, I can feel like this:

Today, it was a day that mostly consisted of this:

I spend a lot of my time at the moment sleeping due to medication changes and seizures tiring me out. Some would say that is a good thing, and are envious of being able to sleep for long periods. However, I am envious of them. They can go to work with out issue, they can drive, they can have a shower without someone having to be around, along with many other things. As I have said in a previous entry, I know there are people far worse off then I am at the moment, and will always be far worse off then me, and I am truly blessed to have a roof over my head, amazing people etc. But I just want to reach that light at the end of the tunnel....and thankfully I have awesome people around that are helping me get there, whether they know it or not :)

Peace out!

A beautiful song...

This guy is the reason I love Ukulele so much. Israel 'Izzy' Kamakawiwo'ole. The most beautiful version of 'Some where over the rainbow' is by far the best I have ever heard. Next to a picture of this great man should be a link to a soundcloud version of the mix of both somewhere over the rainbow and what a wonderful world. Two songs that just work so perfectly together. A match made in Hawaiian and Uke heaven. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

https://soundcloud.com/user617795/14-somewhere-over-the-rainbow-what-a-wonderful-world-wav

Whilst on the topic, here is a picture of my Uke....just if you were interested:

Peace out.

"I can't help it, it is an involuntary twinkle..."

It has been one of those days. My friend departed after her stay. Seeing her cheered me up so much, it was very sad to see her go. We barely see each other these days, namely because of the distance. Sad affair.

Any way, as I said, one of those days; by that I mean an absent filled day which has left me with trying to piece the missing parts of my day Mrs who has taken the best of care of me. Oh and the cat, who at the moment is curled up on my feet not letting me get into my duvet! Epilepsy sucks. Big time! I have never let it get to me before, but for some reason, this time, it has. Maybe it is because I have so much to lose if things do not get better.

I have been doing some research and it is comforting to hear so many people who have adapted their lives around their seizures, and yes it brings hope. But at the moment it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel which I so desperately want to get to the end of; and soon for that matter. I know it seems pretty dark, but off loading on here seems to help, even though I know 'here' is seldom visited. It is times like these that opens your eyes to those who you can really call friends. I have some amazing people around me at the moment; some of which have only just recently come into my life, and this I am so thankful. But this period in my life has opened my eyes to many things; things which I still need to sort out. So much to do...so little...confidence to fight things head on.

I feel this sums things up for me at the moment:

[image by Pedro Bottero : pedrobottero.blogspot.com]

Anyway, I need to wrap this up as my laptop is about to either give up or burst into flames as the fan is blowing hot air out rather then cool air in.

Peace out!

It's a new dawn...

It's a new day... 

I went into the city today and absenced a few times. It's weird when that happens. Especially when you're in the middle of a conversation in the middle of a shop. Or walking in the middle of the road.... Or stood trying to pick a sandwich in Marks and Sparks. More embarrassing then anything. At least I didn't bust my moves this time. That would have been too much. 

Anyway, I was re-introduced to the Walking Dead today as well....I can see why I stopped watching it. Too grim and gruesome for my liking. I tried. Les Mis' was more up my street, accompanied by some great people and play dough. Just what I needed after a few days of seizures and generally feeling sorry for myself. Although light at the end of the tunnel...no tonic's for a few days so silver lining right? 

Anyway. 

Peace out for now. 

Poem - Cranky Old Man

I have seen this poem floating around the internet, and it makes me think so many times about the people I come into contact with. I hope it opens your eyes the way it did mine. It was found after an Australian gentleman passed away in a nursing home, it was found in the few possessions he had. I present to you, "Cranky Old Man".

Cranky Old Man “See Me”

What do you see, nurses, what do you see,
what are you thinking when you’re looking at me?
A cranky old man, not very wise,
uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes.

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply
when you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
and forever is losing a sock or shoe.

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will
with bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
as I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet,
dreaming that soon now a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at twenty – my heart gives a leap,
remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own
who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,
bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty my young sons have grown and are gone,
but my woman’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.
At fifty once more babies play round my knee,
again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my wife is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
and I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man and nature is cruel;
’tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
there is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young boy still dwells,
and now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
and I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years – all too few, gone too fast
and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
not a cranky old man; look closer – see ME

Out of Idea's for witty "hello, I'm back" titles

Helloooooo World!

I figured 'welcome back' was over used on this blog (namely because I am normally too busy to keep up-to-date with it).

I have promised myself that I am going to stick at it this time. Honest. I need to. I have to. I want to. I forgot how much I enjoy blogs, and too often they are over looked by the likes of Facetweet and Twitbook. (See what I did there?)

Anywho, this year loads of stuff has gone on, too much to list. The main two are starting a new job (which I can't talk about as my previous blog got pulled down because of the nature of my work); the other being my epilepsy kicking back in. Having gone a very long time with out a seizure they have decided to return in full force. 

If anyone reading this (well if anyone who actually reads this full stop) who has any helpful advice please send it my way in regards to epilepsy. And before you say "look for online forums" - I have, and they have been of some use. But they are also very moderated. So any advice is welcomed.

Miserable bit over. I'm still engaged. Bonus. The plan is to get hitched (well civilly partnered - yes, news flash, lesbian!) later this year. Nice private little do between me, the mrs-to-be, then maybe, at a later date a party to celebrate...who knew these things were so expensive!

Any way, not much else to say today. I promise I will be back, well at least try to any way.

Peace out!