― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
I thought it was a fitting quote to how I am finding things today. Having had a few weeks of pure bombardment of a variety of different things I read a poem earlier today that made me realise that living in the past isn't good; life is too short, and you should live for the now. For too long I have been dwelling on the past; some things will always stick with me, granted, but I can now start to see them in a different light.
For the first time in years I have been able to talk about my past to someone new in my life without judgement or prejudice, who understands the emotional turmoil that goes with it. Except my partner, I have never done this with anyone. This person has been such an inspiration to me over the last few weeks, and I am so grateful for them being around, and being the amazingly strong person they are.
I spoke about 'that person' to my partner for ages later in the day, without once feeling an ounce of guilt, remorse, shame, embarrassment or anything. It wasn't until several hours later that I realised I had done that...it was the first time ever. The first time I was able to talk without any form of self-blaming emotions, and you know what? It felt good!
It may seem like a small achievement to some; some would go as far as saying it isn't an achievement at all. But for me, I feel it is a massive step. So I still refer to things as 'That person' or 'my past' or equivalents, but that is my way of dealing with things. For the small handful of people who know me, know that's who I am. For those who don't know me will have no idea what I am on about and it is probably best that way - well for now anyway, but some day I will be able to talk about things openly. I look forward to that day.
"We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun." - William Glasser
I have Love, I have fun, I have a sense of belonging (at times) and am working towards having the power and freedom to say 'I did and went through this, and am smiling and understand; nothing can take away the past, but only I can change my future'.