I'm back...for now.

Well after a break I am back. 

A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. Most of it is pretty much crappy. I can't actually think of any thing positive that has gone, nothing life changing.

My epilepsy caused me to spiral into a depressive cycle. This was accompanied by psychosis. Thankfully the depression is pretty much in control. The psychosis on the other hand, is far from it. I have this dark figure that follows me that no one else seems to be able to see. He is a nasty horrible man who really does not like me in the slightest.

A good friend of mine told me to embrace the crazy. How do you embrace something so dark that is taking over your life? Something that doesn't want you to exist and something that just wants to fuck with your head constantly? Please tell me if you have any ideas about this one.

This is the first time I have admitted this to the general public, not that there are many readers but I am reaching out for help and advice on how to deal with this. I just want to be able to carry on every day without having to pay any attention to what is being said to me. I am a mental health nurse and I know all the theories and what I am supposed to do - but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

A friend has saved my once - I don't mean in the physical sense, but in the mental state. Her constant bullying and perseverance got me out of the depression, and both me and my wife will never be able to express how thankful we are for this true friendship. But there are some things bullying cannot solve, and the psychosis is one of them.

Break time

I think I am going to take a break from here. I have to get back on top of things and get myself sorted so blogging is off the list. As helpful as I find it to off load on here as I know not many people read but offloading can also cause me re-reading it.

Anywho, bye bye for now although I am sure I will be back soon.

Exercise is good!

This is something I have known for years - I used to play sports for years so I knew this. 

However, given my mood recently, I thought it was about time I got off my back side and actually do something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone on a 10 K run or gone on a huge massive bike ride, instead I have turned to weights. Great way to get rid of anger and burn so negative energy away at the same time.

Aching like a b***h already but feeling surprisingly good about it. I like repetitive tasks for a start so this is perfect for me. Same with Poi - although the weather has prevented me from being able to do Poi - the flat is not big enough to play with them. 

I want to do more active team sports but sadly, thanks to the ol' body popping thing that I have going on means I will have to put this on hold for a while but it is something to look forward to, another goal to achieve. How long it will take me to achieve this I do not know - but the hope of being able to participate in the sports I love most are enough to keep me going. Then next step driving license; one step at a time though.

As you can probably tell I am having an Okay day today. Which is very good. I just need to remember these days for when I feel rubbish and cannot see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I know things will get better, it is just hard to remember that when things pile on top of you. Positive thoughts and all that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying and playing with weights.

Cheerio :)

Achievements

Achievements today:

                                     Getting up and getting ready for work.

Seeing the Mrs insanely ill and remembering a shit load of appointments I have today.

My boss letting me have two days annual leave to a) look after the Mrs; b) get all appointments sorted.

Actually opened my text book for my OU course, which is an improvement as I haven't been in the right place.

Having a Dr Who day whilst trying to do all of the above is nice.

Preparing to see appointments with a list of questions I have which is a first, but I want answers dammit!

Planing on making dinner, which means actually eating; which means my appetite is coming back; which means things are (or appear to be) improving.

Realising things are not always as bad as they seem when you have amazing people around you who support you no matter what

It may not seem like a lot to most people for me, but given how things have been the last few weeks I feel this is a step forward. I know there will be something that knocks me back again, but I have to remember those moments when things do go forward; and hold on them.

Inside Out

"Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,

yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,

yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,

yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,

yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,

yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,

yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,

yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,

yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,

yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,

What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine. "

I think that sums it up really.

Credit for this poem goes to © Angie Flores

Not every one chooses to wear their masks - some of us have no choice

This is very true. Some people can put on a metaphorical mask to cover the barrage of shit that is affecting their lives on a daily basis. They then take this mask off when they are in a solitary place a weep so the world can't see. These people are the strongest of people. The ones who will take your crap, be your shoulder to cry on and the one you always turn to. But who do they turn to when that mask comes off? Can they turn to anyone as they are perceived as 'the strong ones'.

It may come as a shock to some that this actually happens. And the sooner people realise this the better. Calling someone grumpy when you know they are having a bad time is just poking a huge bear with a stick - you are going to get your face ripped off and told to go fuck your self with a cactus!

Those who are able to toss their masks in their bags and live freely without the constant feeling of gloom, the constant shadow that follows you around, the type that the mask protects you from. I salute you, and envy you as well. But to those who don't need a mask, please look out for those who do, they are the ones you will turn to in a time of crisis, and gives you all the advice you need and then you drop them, yet when they turn to you for support you have not the slightest clue; ask them if they are okay every now and then; and if they are having a bad day, do not call them grumpy, miserable, or any other related term.

Rawr!

Dinosaur,

Duck,

Dog, 

Garfield,

Cat, 

Lasagne, 

Tattoo, 

Tea, 

Coffee, 

Sugar,

Remote, 

Batteries, 

Mug, 

Cup, 

Bottle,

Glass, 

Book, 

Tape, 

Inhaler, 

Highlighter, 

Pen, 

Laptop, 

Key board, 

Mouse, 

PC, 

TV, 

Screen, 

Lamp, 

Toilet rool, 

Bread box, 

Sofa, 

Chair, 

Photo, 

Money box, 

Bow, 

Arrow, 

Stable, 

Table, 

Scissors,

Trousers,

Tablets, 

Tablet box,

Medication,

Work, 

Hell,

Section,

136

135

2

3

4

5(2)

5(4)

T3

T2

666, 

Devil, 

Damian, 

Night nurse,

Paracetamol,

Dr who, 

T.A.R.D.I.S

Spacer,

Nebuliser,

Stabiliser,

Bike,

Unicycle,

Bath,

Sink, 

Cluedo

My mind is not staying in one place. It has been one of those days. At least the random thoughts and words are distracting me to a fantastical level!