One onomatopoeia ....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think that about sums it up really - and it is only 10:10 am. Not bad really to say I had a bad night. A night of various dreams that were in no way nice or welcomed. Dreams about fights, fall outs, arguments, break up's, head aches, death, seizures, body issues and much more. Now you don't really need to be able to analyze dreams to work this one out, and for those who are, please refrain from doing so (or at least if you do don't tell me about it). Quite a change from before I went to bed.

The head aches are back as well, which is never a good sign for me. Usually means seizures are just around a sharp corner - the type of corner you can misjudge if you are not paying much attention to that around you. One of these days I may learn... we shall see.

I think it is time to go for a walk and get some fresh air, maybe that may sort things out.

That sudden realisation that...

... You have become an adult. Not in the traditional sense (as those who know me know that I am far from the socially accepted form of 'adult') but in the sense that I, the person who still feels like a 17 year old, is getting married this year. Well, in a few weeks.

Whilst making balloon weights and thinking about the small things that are left to organise for 'the big day', I was hit by this huge wave of realisation that I am an adult, a grown up, doing grown up things, in a grown up world. Granted I am still going to dance around the house in a sponge bob t-shirt, eat loads of things I shouldn't, watch kids cartoons and spend hours playing games, that is a given; but my views of the world, of my direction in life, of myself, have all suddenly changed. And for the good... I think.

Granted I am getting married, and today that hit me like a punch bag (again, in a good way!); but the other half bought up the topic of children the other week, and it has triggered a series of sleepless nights dreaming about what it would be like. Something which I had only ever thought about in my sleep. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you in a heart beat how I have always said out right no to kids. This, however, has changed some what. Maybe it is because of the mood I am in today, the reflective mood where I take a good look at my life and the direction of the journey it is taking. But the more I think about it, having my own little family, I like it... I like it a lot.

God knows it is a scary thought, and the thought of being a parent is a terrifying one. Normally made up of thoughts of "what if I turned out like..." and "god, what if my kids hated me" amongst other thoughts. Talking to friends of mine who have recently had children, they said these were all the thoughts they had when they became new parents. When asked "how do you know what to do?" Their reply was simple, and one that I like "You just wing it and hope for the best". Magical.

I have many other fears about children. If we were to go down the route of IVF (or IUI to be precise), who would carry, who's eggs would we use? what if I carried and they were my eggs, would the child end up with my ailments? would that be a moral thing to do?

So many questions that are buzzing around in my head right now. It is all a lot to take in at present. It is kind of fun (in a weird sort of only a me could find fun) in a way. Scary, I do not this deny this, but fun. I know I am starting a journey in to the unknown with my partner, but the scare adds to the  thrill. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens... And just 'wing it' when we get there

Peace out

Yay, finally it has happened!

After long debates, people trying to put spanners in the works, protests on both sides; today, after a long battle, Gay Marriage in the UK has finally been passed through the last stages of the House of Lords. Hurrah!

At long last the politicians are starting to get with the times! Still a lot of work needs doing to change so many things for so many people. But for now I will settle for this huge achieve and advancement made today. Thank you Stonewall and the various other charities that have been lobbying to get this passed. THANK YOU!!!

Time for change!

It is such an over used phrase... "It is time for change!" However, after a prolonged period of self loathing I have decided to take action and get things back on track.

Today I have made several enquires into clubs and activities that I used to love doing. I have signed up to the Quit Smoking campaign run by the NHS. Spent some of the day doing weights (if a chipped index finger joint may I add!)

What else have I achieved today? Hmm. Not really sure. I think that is about it. To be fair, it is more then I achieve most days, and it is the first step to getting myself sorted right?

Now just to wait for Friday. I find out whether I am to return to work, or rather when I can return to work. I also find out whether I am owed back pay for the massive cock up made by pay roll. Maybe I may win the lottery as well whilst I am at it. Then Saturday I am spending the day at an archery shop for the better half's birthday. Sounds boring but am rather looking forward to it. Spending a day shooting sharp objects as a target that I can pretend to be anyone... sounds like a hoot if you ask me! Which reminds me, Birthday Cards!!! Must not forget to do that this week. Mental note made!

Anywho, I am off for an early night with a cup of hot chocolate and a little sneak peak into Stephen Fry's life (reading his Autobiography at the moment. Enlightening to say the least!)

Peace out.

The Calm after the Storm

Today is a new day. Having got over the emotional turmoil that has been the last week I woke this morning with a new perspective on things. After some accounting with the better half and working out outgoings, I am surprisingly looking forward to living the simple life for a while. Things like living by candle light in the evenings; eating like a student (to be fair this will do me good, due to the medications I have been put on I have put on a lot of weight, so this will work wonders for the waist line!); Showering and bathing by candle light; reading a listening to music rather then using stupid amounts of power to watch TV/playing PC games. I think I can do that for a few weeks. Even may start taking walks and spending time in the garden (providing I can actually get past the door due to the swarm of bees still insistent on dive bombing us when ever we attempt to get to the garden). There are many things I can do to occupy ones self with out the need of money. I will also be trying very hard to quit smoking as the cost of that alone is a small fortune!

At least this is what I am telling myself. The positivity may just be coming from the fact that the sun is shining very brightly and the washing is on the line. Van Morrison on in the back ground may also be helping. Thank god for credit cards as well. Thanks to having paid off most my cards, I had a few pennies left over which meant I could get the last little bits sorted for the wedding. Further to being thankful for credit cards, I am also thankful for the likes of eBay and Amazon. Wedding rings and helium bought for less then £30. Bonus I reckon. Also, thankful for friends who are crafty - I mean that in the sense of being good at making things and having things to hand that I no longer have. Not in the pinching things sense. I also have managed to secure a cake stand for the big day and have also finally come to an agreement with the better half on how the cake is going to be presented and what cake we are having.... Finally!

All that is left to do now is actually turn up on the day. Oh and tell the parents what is actually happening on the day. This is where things go wrong, but I shall deal with that when I come to it.Oh, and to work out a way to make balloon weights for free as refuse on principal to buy them. On further positive notes and returning to the dull repeats of medication and epilepsy, I have been a period without seizures, which means that I may be able to return to work far sooner then initially anticipated. This has various bonuses to it, the main one being paid. The second to cure boredom.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get into the garden to try and come up with a way to make balloon weights with what we have. Any ideas are welcomed.

Peace out

Cannot catch a break today!

Seriously, I really cannot catch a break today.

I will start from the beginning. I woke up this morning and checked my bank balance to see if I had been paid. Instead I found out that I had indeed not been paid, instead had had a load of money taken out of my account (bills, rent etc) leaving me overdrawn in an account that I do not have an over draft for.

Then started all the phones calls....Pay roll, HR, Union, Manager, Union, HR, Union, Manager... It went on for ages. The only helpful party being the sympathetic women on the end of the phone at the Union. Between the sobs of despair and lighting many cigarettes I finally calmed down enough to venture out to the bank, in a vain attempt at trying to reverse the ridiculous charges they were adding to my account, and to also put in the ridiculous amount of 1 and 2p's I had accumulated... This did not go well. All I can say is that the obnoxious, jumped up, suit wearing, smug, big eye browed, huge nosed, pretentious toss pot who was sat behind the thick glass was lucky that the thick glass was there. I could go on with this story but my blood is boiling as I think about it. Long story short, my attempts with Natwest of success were limited. Again, luckily for the smug twit there was a huge pane of glass in the way. I then, on my walk home from Natwest, planned in my head quite vividly how I was going to take down Natwest one by one. Then realised that the debt problem wouldn't going away, it would be deferred to the RBS. So I started to think, and plan, how to take them down at the same time. It was at this point my better half pointed out (i'm guessing in a sarcastic manner as i'm not sure as to what extent she humors me when I go on these rants) that if I were to take down the RBS, Scotland would be screwed in its attempts for independence as it would not be financially viable as their main bank would be no more... You win some you lose some.

The day continued with various phone calls from various people, all repeating the same, well versed lines of "We are sorry that this has happened, we will investigate, but in the mean time you will be left without any money as we are all jumped up office workers who get over paid for doing sweet F-A as a computer does all the work for us". Makes me so mad!

I would continue to rant and vent, but the more I do the more it makes my blood boil and I am getting a head ache from crying with anger. Cannot wait for the better half to get home so I can just have a hug. I know to many this whole entry doesn't seem a big thing; but after months of being ill and battling with various people, it has been the straw the broke the camels back as they say. Just not sure how much more smiling I can do before I put a chelsea smile on someone else's face (my money is on the smug twit at Natwest!)

Anger out!

3 years ago

3 years ago today, I lost someone amazing from my life. My Grandad. He waited until he had opened his birthday cards, waited for both me and my mother to be out of the room, then he peacefully went. In a space of 15 minutes my life turned upside down. 

This is my little tribute to him. I know he would not approve of some of my life choices, however I know he would have been proud of what I have achieved. He was so supportive through a tough time in my life, and the more time I spent with him (I lived with him for a few years) the more we became closer, and became friends. Through this time I found out so much about him, his life, and so much more.

What I am trying to say is that I am so grateful for having him in my life. So many people do not get the chance to grow up with grandparents. Him and my Nan taught me and my brother so much over the years that they are responsible for the people we have turned out today. 

I hope you're up there with Nan, having a bottle of whiskey and an old holborn rolley on the go, putting the world to rights.

Miss you and love you loads.

Sleep tight 

x